


30 days of writing

by quiet_one



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/M, Headcanon, some smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-08-28
Updated: 2012-10-25
Packaged: 2017-11-13 02:24:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 30
Words: 24,146
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/498408
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quiet_one/pseuds/quiet_one
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>30 days of writing prompts, all of them centred on Thane/Shep. They don't run in any kind of chronological order, nor do they all follow an established timeline. A few of them are about my canon Shep, and fit into her story. You can find a list of those here  http://quietonewisp.tumblr.com/post/41859341520/my-shepard-masterpost</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. beginning

**Beginning**

They both knew that this stay of execution could not last long, and so they chose to lose themselves in each other.

Breathless nights unfolded easily into long, languid, mornings with nothing but Thane’s touch and the feel of him moving inside her as they both sought to forget what was coming, for if they admitted it for so much as a second they both knew it was the beginning of the end.

So Shepard let herself be possessed by the lust that had been asleep in her for too long, knowing that their time was ending and that her heart was about to be broken.


	2. accusation

**Accusation**

It wasn’t so much the accusation that hurt, it was the look in Garrus’ eyes as he said it.

“He’s the only thing you care about anymore isn’t he? You risked every last one of us, the ship, the war, all so you could save him. I thought you had more sense than that Shepard, I thought…”

The worst part was that everything he had said was right. She would have thrown all of it away defending the lab on Kahje and she would have done it gladly if it meant saving Thane.

Part of her knew that this was all wrong, that letting the things she’d fought for drift by the wayside was admitting defeat. But she also knew that the moment she saw Thane lying there on that bed, gasping the last fragments of his life away, she would no longer care.


	3. restless

**Restless**

He paced back and forth, tracing the hall with restless steps until he lost track of time. Hospitals had become an unavoidable part of Thane’s life and he had accepted it with good grace, enduring his on-going treatment for Keprals in the knowledge that every second of pain bought him more time with his Siha. It was a worthy bargain.

However he had not expected to find himself on the other side of the glass door waiting for news about Shepard. She had been quiet over the last few days, falling asleep at the slightest opportunity and running a low grade fever that refused to go away. He had assumed it was a virus of some kind until he found her lying delirious beside their bed, her eyes rolling wildly as she spouted incomprehensible gibberish.

Thane paused, looked at the door and considered calling Miranda. If anybody knew how to fix Shepard it was her.

Thane was in the process of composing a message to her when the Asari doctor finally emerged and beckoned him over wearing what looked like a nervous smile.

“What is wrong? Is she…”

“You’d best go in there and ask your wife” the doctor said calmly, gently guiding him into the room. “I’ll be out here should you need me”

She sat cross legged on the bed, staring down at the tangle of her hands as they entered.

“Thane” she said simply, her eyes meeting his. “I’m pregnant”


	4. snowflake

**Snowflake**

It wasn’t that she’d never seen snow before, far from it. Shepard had spent months stationed on Shiva during her training and she’d been forced to march through the horrible white stuff everyday as well as fight for survival after being abandoned out in the snow fields as part of a training exercise.

It was more that, until now, she’d seen it as just another problem to overcome. Shepard finished loading the crates onto the shuttle then allowed herself a glance round at the landscape rolling behind her, an open vista of snow topped crags and a pale blue sky that stretched for miles with no sign of habitation to break the flawless skyline.

The only sign of life was her footsteps breaking the thick crust of snow where the shuttle had landed. It was too tempting to resist.

With a furtive check over her shoulder she took two tentative steps onto the flawless ice field and stopped to scoop up a handful of snow, crushing it into a ball that she flung as hard as she could at the shuttle. It hit with a powdery puff, exploding into a snowy smear across the windscreen. The effect wasn’t quite as exciting as she’d hoped for.

This time Shepard took off over the ice, crunching patterns through the snow until an idea took hold of her. She took a few moments to plan her course then skipped off across the ground taking care to stick to her intended course. After fifteen minutes it was all done and she hopped carefully back to the shuttle in her own footprints so as not to ruin the effect, a smile creeping across her face.

Instead of sitting in the back as usual Shepard went into the cockpit and sat next to the nervous young pilot, asking politely if they could do a quick fly by before they left. The pilot did so and as they climbed up over the site Shepard caught sight of the pristine field now marked with a series of letters surrounded by a love heart, arguably the most ridiculous thing she had ever done and bound to stay there forever marked in the snow.

‘CS 4 TK’

The stupid smile was still on Shepard’s face when she got back to the Normandy, clambering out of the shuttle to find Thane waiting for her. He gave her a curious look then reached up to touch her hair, twining his fingers through it then smiling.

“Siha, you have snowflakes in your hair.”


	5. haze

**Haze**

The shadows of the bunker were cool and dark after the searing brightness outside, dust coating everything and turning it red. Even the Geth were red, making them almost impossible to spot as they started swarming their position, looking to outflank them. If they didn’t move now they’d be trapped.

Shepard sprang to her feet, scanning the battlefield and seeing with dismay the brightness of a rocket heading straight for her just as she was knocked to the ground, the rocket punching into the wall behind them.

Only one thing remained visible through the haze, the shimmering blue form of Thane as he crouched over her. He took her breath away, this creature of colours and grace. She would watch him take life with those hands of his yet those same hands had saved her more than once, had traced every curve of her body and forced her to surrender to him in a way that still surprised her.

He held them out to her now and they moved together through the bright sunshine, a chaotic dance of violence that saw them safe through the oncoming Geth.

As they moved Shepard found herself wishing that’d he’d never let her go and she squeezed his fingers a little tighter, wanting to follow him forever.


	6. flame

**Flame**

She held his hand tighter, forced herself to look past his wasted form and out at the ships moving silently beyond the glass. Life went on but in here it was coming to an end.

All of the moments they had shared together would cease to exist when his memory failed, and the cruel truth of her fragile human memory hit her in the chest like a fist, knowing that he was slipping away from her just as her memories would.

Thane would die and every day the images she carried of him would grow a little dimmer, a little more care worn when she had so much else to think about. All around them the universe as they knew it was folding in on itself as the Reapers attacked, and in the centre of her life the bright flame that sustained her was about to go out.

Thane gave a rattling gasp, and for a moment his dark eyes opened, casting around the room until he saw her face. He no longer tried to speak. Instead he squeezed her hand in what was a faint ghost of days past when he had held her tightly, and they had danced through everything together, fire fights and arguments and nights in each other’s arms.

There was nothing left for Shepard to say. She took his hand and pressed it to her lips, feeling the faintest trace of warmth there.

She held it until all heat had gone, ebbing slowly away like the dying embers of a fire and leaving her with nothing but the bitter taste of ashes in her mouth.


	7. formal

**Formal**

The last time he had seen her she had been dressed in full Alliance Uniform, finally looking like the Commander Shepard he had seen in those vids so long ago. She had stood straight and tall even as they arrived to take her away, and it was in that moment that he saw her resolve falter for the first time.

Her goodbye to the crew had been strangely formal, and she had refused to look at him until the very last second when they took the unexpected step of handcuffing her there in front of them all.

Shepard’s green eyes had flickered upwards to meet his as the metal closed around her wrists, and the expression there stayed with him as he lay there in the hospital waiting anxiously for news as to her fate.

It wasn’t fear or regret or sadness that he had seen there. It was love and the sight burnt through him as every second passed without her there beside him, leaving him stricken in the knowledge that she had done all of this for him.

Shepard had placed herself deliberately out of his reach, leaving behind her beloved crew and her ship so that she could give him this last chance, give them a last chance at a future.

So he stayed there, silently bearing every new treatment they threw at him and tried to keep her faith in him, longing for her warmth as he shivered beneath the thin blankets alone.


	8. companion

**Companion**

She lashed out, snapping her bared teeth at him as she twisted at the end of the chain.

It had taken five of them to bring her down, and another five to bring her in, leaving her bloodied and bruised but still fighting even with the dislocated arm.

“Commander Shepard, come on now. I heard you were some kind of war hero. Try and act like one,” the merc said, stalking just out of reach as he watched her with what seemed to be amusement.

He wasn’t going to be laughing for long.

“How about we try again. Tell us what you and your companion were after and I’ll cut you a deal. Instead of handing you over to my men I’ll kill you myself.”

Her companion. It would be a cold day in hell before she told them anything that might endanger Thane. He would be at the rendezvous point by now, and there was no telling what he might do when she failed to show.

“Enough talking,” she rasped, spitting blood at her captor. “Let’s get on with it.”

The merc started smiling, walking slowly towards her and unfurling his pistol.

“Well, you had your chance. Nolan!”

There was no response. In the silence that followed Shepard was sure she heard the slightest of thuds, and then nothing. The merc’s smile faded a little. He strode over to the door, whipping it open to look over a scene of silent devastation. The five men who had carried her in were lay dead on the floor, their necks broken and their eyes staring emptily towards the door.

“What the…”

The merc’s words were cut off as Thane dropped down before him and rose to snap his neck with one quick twist. He stepped over the still twitching body and headed straight to Shepard.

“Siha,” he murmured, looking her over carefully. “I am sorry I took so long."

He noted the bruises on her face with careful rage, allowing himself to feel the snap of their bones beneath his hands as he untied her.

“I’ll be fine. Can you help me with this?” Shepard asked him, clutching her dislocated shoulder with the slightest of winces. “If it helps I’ll talk you through it.”

“If you are sure.”

She leant back and offered him her arm, opening her mouth to say something as he smoothly popped her shoulder back into place.

“Ouch, dammit Thane. I was going to ask you to kiss me first.”

“My apologies Siha. I was unaware my toxins had medicinal use, though considering your line of work I’m sure we could make use of it in future, should you wish.”

Shepard leant in and gave him a swift, hard, kiss that left him reeling. There was a reason she never kissed him just before a mission and this was it, the sweet intoxication of his venom that left her wide eyed and breathless just when she needed to be entirely focused. 

As they left Thane glanced at her and found her skipping at his side, wearing a hazy half smile that he had come to know so well. Unable to resist the temptation he picked her up and whirled her through the air of the empty corridors, smiling as her laugh echoed back at him.


	9. move

**Move**

The moment they walked in Shepard knew it was a bad idea. Everyone was dressed immaculately, and she was wearing the most suitable dress she’d been able to pull out of her wardrobe, a slightly crumpled black thing that looked more like funeral attire.

She fussed at her hair, pulled her hemline and felt desperately uncomfortable even with Thane at her side.

“Commander Shepard!”

She turned and saw a tall stranger walking towards her with his hand outstretched, a smile tugging at his lips.

“Hello I’m Tobias Broderick, I sent you the invite. What a pleasure to finally meet you. And may I have the have the honour of being introduced to your companion?”

This was exactly why she shouldn’t have brought Thane. Everyone on the ship knew or at least suspected that they were involved and it hadn’t seemed like an issue until now. How exactly would she go about introducing her drell assassin boyfriend at the school named after her?

Thane stepped forward and held out his hand, dipping his head respectfully. “My name is Tannor Nuara. I’m a member of Commander Shepard’s crew.”

There was a hint of reproach in his voice that she chose to ignore, instead letting out a sigh of relief.

“Wonderful. Would you like a tour of the facilities before the festivities begin?”

Shepard started to say no, but Thane had already agreed, his hand constant on the small of her back as they followed after the Professor. The school was exactly the kind of place she would have been kicked out of in ten minutes if she’d gone there as a child and that fact, coupled with the sight of her name carved all over it made her want to leave as fast as possible.

Thane seemed genuinely interested, asking about the various subjects they were going to teach there before leading onto the security arrangements. Shepard couldn’t help but smile at that, nudging him with her elbow as the Professor talked vaguely about some new alarm system they were testing. Thane allowed him to finish before saying politely “Might I recommend the Telemachus system? It has less weaknesses than your current system, certainly enough to deter any amateurs.”

Broderick stared at him for a moment then clapped his hands together as though it was one of the most exciting things he’d ever heard.

“Well, of course we’ll look into that. I presume you’re in charge of security?” he beamed, looking back and forth between the couple.

“Thane is something of an expert,” Shepard smiled. “When it comes to getting past security that is.”

That brought Tobias up short and the tour was short lived after that, coming to an abrupt end back where they began in the main hall. The dancing had already started but Shepard chose to ignore it, her attention caught by the buffet lining the wall on the other side of the room. There were huge bowls of fruit, plates of neatly cut sandwiches and what looked like an entire stack of cakes.

“I think you may have frightened the Professor, Siha,” Thane murmured in her ear. “Perhaps you would like to frighten him some more.”

“I left my guns back on the ship, even my pistol,” Shepard whispered, starting towards the table as Thane caught her hand.

She looked up at him in surprise, noting the smirk on his face and realising exactly what he meant. “Oh no, no I am not dancing.”

“Siha,” Thane growled, taking her other hand and steering her onto the dance floor. She considered starting a fight with him there in the beautiful hall, digging her feet into the polished floor as she resisted in as nice a way as possible.

Faces swung round to watch them, and she knew she was trapped, finally allowing herself to be dragged into the centre of the dance floor.

“It appears I have found the great Commander Shepard’s only weakness,” Thane said softly, placing his hand on her waist and taking the other carefully in his own so as to lead them slowly into the dance.

Shepard looked into his dark eyes and felt herself relax as they swayed gently in time with the orchestra, his skin warm as he moved against her.

“Not my only weakness,” she said, leaning into his neck and planting a kiss on the red folds of skin there.

Thane made a noise that she felt in her chest, his eyes fluttering in the dim light as they twirled slowly in front of their onlookers.

“Would you like to finish this dance elsewhere Siha?” he asked, sliding his hand down the curve of her hip and feeling her stumble slightly.

She looked up at him, smiling as she pressed her lips to his in front of everyone. It was only the briefest of kisses but it had the desired effect.

“Thank you for the invite. It looks like a wonderful school, I’m honoured,” Shepard said as she marched past Broderick, stopping only to grab an armful of food before vanishing out into the night with Thane’s arm tightly around her.


	10. silver (rewritten)

She stepped into the water, silver skinned in the moon light, and started to wade out with her fingertips dancing in the air.

Every step she took fractured the surface of the sea into a million dancing fragments that glittered across her face and body, reflecting back at her in Thane’s dark eyes.

He was the only reason she was out there naked in the middle of the night and she trusted him completely even as the tide plucked at her shaking legs and tried to pull her further out straight into his arms.

She gave herself over to it without hesitation and found herself in his embrace at last, clinging tightly onto him.

There was a gleam of lust in his dark eyes that set her shivering and he responded at once, drawing her tightly against his chest and pressing the lightest of kisses to her lips.

He tasted salty, his tongue warm in her mouth and Shepard started to wonder what she’d let herself in for by agreeing to this, lust winning out over the voice at the back of her mind that told her she couldn’t swim well enough to try the ocean.

She felt her feet lose purchase on the sea bed, felt Thane’s arms around her as he swept her deeper into the sparkling water and with a last sigh she let herself float away, forgetting all about tomorrow as the starlight lit their way.


	11. prepared

He knew already that he loved her, had known for long months serving alongside her and he had been foolish enough to think that he knew her. 

What he wasn’t prepared for was the need that rolled through him as he slid into her and the knowledge burning bright in his chest that until now he hadn’t really known her at all.

With her head thrown back, pupils blown wide from his mouth and her soft body curling around him, this is her. 

The heat of her and the soft moans she makes as he withdraws only to thrust again are what marks her as his and his alone, no-one will ever know her quite like this. 

His Siha. His hope flickering in the darkness. His heart, given back to him.


	12. knowledge

Thane had been dead little more than an hour, yet despite the care he had taken in covering his tracks his death was rapidly becoming common knowledge.

The simple fact of it had yet to settle into Shepard’s brain, and she drifted through the Citadel in a blind haze, wandering inexhorably back towards the _Normandy_ as she tried to figure out how she was supposed to be acting given that her acknowledged lover had passed away.

She failed to see Kaidan until he pulled lightly at her arm, his words echoing emptily through her head. He wanted to join her back on board the Normandy, the note of desperation in his voice striking at her heart. She had so much to deal with and now this? Could she trust him after everything that had happened?

With so much at stake it seemed foolish to say no. Even if he didn’t trust her it wouldn’t hurt to have such a capable soldier back on her team.

She must have said something to that effect, seeing the relief on his face and turning to leave as her feelings threatened to break free in her chest and overwhelm her.

Nobody dared to say a word to her as she walked through her ship, gaining speed in her desperation to reach her quarters. She had no words for any of them, could hardly see straight as she barrelled into the elevator and leant breathlessly against the wall, gasping for air with ragged gulps.

The moment the door opened she broke free, scrambling at the door with increasing desperation and almost falling through it.

His arms caught her, holding her tightly as she finally came to rest beside him.

“You’re dead,” Shepard whispered, pressing her face tightly against his chest to confirm to herself just the opposite with a joy that set her trembling.

“It seems death has its rewards, Siha,” Thane crooned, trailing his fingertips through the ebony strands of her hair and breathing in her scent with a relief that sank deeply into his bones. “And Kolyat?”

“He understands. He played his part to perfection – you would have been proud of him.”

“I am always proud of Kolyat, though in this instance I see he has won your approval, not something I expected given the manner of your last meeting.”

Shepard nodded, and pulled back to look at him shimmering brightly in the warm light of her room. He was all hers at last, no illness to keep him from her and no responsibilities other than those he had pledged himself to that night on the Citadel when they had exchanged their vows.

“How long do you think this ruse will last?” she asked him, gathering one of his hands to her face and kissing every fingertip.

“Long enough. It would probably be wise if I remain in your quarters.”

“I agree,” Shepard said softly, beginning a slow sweet trail of kisses along his throat. “I may have some ideas for passing the time.”

Thane leant into her touch, unable to stop the noise of contentment that thrummed through them both. As a ghost he had no responsibilities, no fears other than those he had for her on her long journey to defeat the reapers. He could give her hope when all seemed lost, and should the worst come to pass he knew that death there at her side would be a good end to his life.


	13. denial

It was in the way they looked at her, in the sad smiles they tried to hide when she talked about him and the silence when they appeared together.

At first Shepard pretended that she couldn’t see it, acting as though their opinion didn’t matter even though it cut her to the quick knowing exactly what they weren’t saying.  
They thought she was a fool for falling in love with Thane. They believed she was setting herself up for a broken heart when the inevitable happened. So she ignored them, knowing what they would say to her if she told them how she felt. 

Shepard had given herself to causes that others had considered to be lost, and this was no different. She knew the odds, knew his chances of survival were slim, but still those chances were there and they kept her afloat in the sea of doubt that was her life.

When he awoke in the night coughing she heard their voices again and still she pushed it away, refusing to accept defeat when he was still warm beside her.

It was only when she sat by his bedside in the hospital, watching him in his drugged sleep with only his laboured gasps to keep her company, that she finally allowed that they might have a point. Perhaps she was in denial. Perhaps he was going to die after all and instead of clinging on tightly she should have been saying her goodbyes. 

She had died and been brought back to life. She’d passed through the Omega 4 relay and made it back, and now when the reapers were moving through the galaxy exterminating everything in their path she was sat in hospital doubting everything she had believed in.

Every time Shepard left the room she left her doubts there and walked out with her head held high, leaving everything else with Thane. There was no room for anything else when your name was Commander Shepard. And every time she walked back into that room she let herself believe that Thane looked a little stronger, that his breathing sounded a little easier.

Still nobody said anything. Not even on the day he walked out of the hospital and came to join her on the Normandy, their faces unable to hide the reflection of the smile she gave them.


	14. wind

It had seemed like a good idea at the time. They had been passing close by Kahje, and Shepard had to admit that she was curious to see exactly where Thane had grown up, so she had suggested a brief sightseeing trip.

Now, with the relentless drum of the rain and the biting wind, she was regretting it bitterly. They reached the top of the hill that Thane had been so keen to show her and came to a halt, staring out over the storm lashed beach.

It was beautiful in its own grim way, with swirling grey clouds sitting low over a gun metal grey sea that roared unceasingly along the desolate coastline. Beneath the water it was a different story but up here it seemed almost abandoned.

Thane snaked his arm around her waist, and Shepard attempted to bury her face against him for shelter, squinting her eyes shut against the cold. It was horrible here and if she never came back she wouldn’t be sorry, not that she would dare say that to Thane.

“Siha?”

Shepard blinked up at him, dark against the grey sky, and was trying desperately to think of something nice she could say about the place when Thane took her by surprise, kissing her as hard as he dared. 

His lips tasted of the rain.


	15. order

Shepard couldn’t help but frown as she stood waiting in the briefing room, picking over the Illusive Man’s words and trying to figure out exactly what to make of them. He had been known to get creative with the truth in the past but if this was a lie what was the point in it? There was no way she could trust him but at the same time she couldn’t ignore this opportunity.

The door opened, and Shepard looked up as the crew drifted in, taking up their stations around the large table.

“I called you all here because I have some information that I need your opinion on. The Illusive Man has informed me that a mercenary group by the name of the Claws have got their hands on some useful technology, technology we could use.”

“What kind of technology are we talking about, Commander?” Miranda asked, surprising Shepard. Miranda usually knew everything before she did – either this information was very new or they were keeping Miri in the dark for a reason.

“Apparently it’s some sort of portable shield generator,” Shepard said, looking to Mordin for help. She’d never been overly confident on the science side of things. “It would allow us to pass through larger seeker swarms without having to use biotics.”

“Useful yes, would like to see this technology. Not heard of the Claws before though, suppose they are new to the scene.”

Garrus stepped forward and brought up a star map, sifting through until he found the one he was looking for. “Last I heard the Claws were some part-timers working out of Kobayashi. Dealing with them will be easy, finding them won’t.“

“Why?”

“The Mercs around Kobayashi work off of the moons or the rust belt, thousands of tin can stations without any law enforcement. We go in there all guns blazing and they’ll vanish. There’s no way we’d be able to track them down without the entire place turning on us.”

“We use stealth then,” Thane said softly, his dark eyes glittering with reflected stars. 

“I have an idea. A stealthy idea.”

They all turned to look at Kasumi as she rounded the table, standing next to Shepard with a smile on her shrouded face. 

“We go there as mercs. No armour, no fancy guns. Just us and a couple of side-arms. We go in, find out where the Claws are and collect the generator, simple.”

Shepard frowned at her, weighing up all the options and coming to rest on the fact that this wasn’t a bad idea. Cerberus had no idea where the mercs were on Kobayashi and a little leg work would do them good, especially if it meant working together as a team.

“Alright Kasumi, how do we do this?”

\---

Shepard arrived last and was instantly conscious of everybody’s eyes on her, especially those of Thane. He hardly looked any different, dressed in a red outfit and sporting a pair of ridiculous shades that hid his beautiful eyes. 

She had been forced into a pair of low slung combat trousers and a vest that ended just above her stomach, carefully ripped by Kasumi. It was finished off by a tight jacket with three quarter length sleeves.

Miranda looked perfect as always, dressed in what looked like a black version of her usual suit and wearing an expression that showed she was only just tolerating them all.  
Jack and Garrus looked exactly the same dammit.

Kasumi had changed into black leggings and a dark purple vest with a cowl that draped loosely off her shoulders, making her look like even more trouble than usual. 

“Looking good Team,” she said, circling them all with a satisfied grin. “Boss?”

Shepard opened her mouth and shut it promptly, forcing herself back into line as Thane stepped forwards. It had been Kasumi’s idea to set him up as their leader, and she had to admit that it made sense; he had a presence that would offer their little escapade some authenticity. 

Thane caught her staring and dipped his head, causing her to look away before her thoughts ran away with her. He looked good in red. 

“Shepard? Sorry, Marlowe.”

“Thanks Kat” Shepard said, rolling her eyes. “Is everybody armed?”

There was an abrupt show of arms, and Shepard walked down the line checking them to make sure they looked the part. She’d specified older, used, models only and they had complied, the only person who didn’t bother was Jack, and there was no need to arm her. 

“One thing before we go – I don’t want any more trouble than is absolutely necessary. No brawling, no back chat and as little killing as possible,” Shepard said coldly, giving Jack a hard look. “We go in there, find what we’re looking for and we get out, clear? Good, now get moving.”

Her team of mercenaries climbed obediently into the shuttle, and she glanced at her new boss, resisting the urge to take his stupid glasses off as she sat down next to him. 

\---

The main station on the rust belt reminded Shepard of Omega except that it was much worse than she could have imagined. Every surface was filthy and wherever she looked there was the flotsam of the criminal underworld, washed up there in decrepit obscurity. 

They blended in seamlessly with the rest of the population, most of whom were mercenaries that had been drawn there for its slave trading possibilities. With no law enforcement to speak of it had flourished and the signs of it were everywhere, much to her disgust.

A few discreet enquiries had led them to the bar that served as the hub for trading, and they simply had to follow the stream of traffic to find it, a red pit of a place that pounded with music loud enough to vibrate in Shepard’s chest. 

Kasumi vanished the moment they went in, and Shepard felt her skin crawl from the heat of the place, sweat starting to prickle on her forehead. This was her idea of hell, being crammed in with countless criminals and being helpless to do anything but watch them.

Garrus nudged her in the small of the back, and they headed for the bar where they let Jack do the ordering, regretting it as soon as the drinks arrived. They were just downing shots of something purple and bitter when Kasumi reappeared next to Thane, whispering in his ear. 

As boss he would have to liaise with the contact they had been given – an Asari by the name of Ariadne. The plan was to pretend they were looking for work with the Claws or aiming to settle a score with them, depending on the Asari’s response.

They were still loitering by the bar when a batarian approached and gestured for them to follow him, leading them up through the bar to a raised section at the side that was lined by booths. In the last booth an Asari, presumably Ariadne, sat watching them with a wry grin on her face.

“Very nice,” she drawled, knocking back a drink and getting to her feet. “And what did you say your name was again?” she asked Thane, sliding her hands inside his top and leaning in to nuzzle his neck in a gesture that almost blinded Shepard with rage.

“I…my name is Gideon” Thane replied, blinking rapidly.

Before she could stop herself Shepard had stepped forwards with clenched fists, something that went unnoticed by the Asari as she gave Thane a small shove into the booth where he sat absolutely still. 

“You can get rid of them now,” Ariadne waved, turning back to Thane as she traced the line of his jaw with her fingers and smiled. “It’s been a long time since I’ve seen a drell here. Tell me, is it true what they say about the venom?”

Shepard found herself being guided to the bar where Garrus pressed a drink into her hand and said something she couldn’t hear over the rising beat, her heart pounding painfully in her chest. 

Eventually Garrus gave up trying to talk to her and turned his attentions to where Jack was playing a drinking game with a Krogan at the other end of the bar as Kasumi looked on. Miri was sat at the opposite end of the bar pretending she wasn’t there.

Fresh drinks kept appearing in front of Shepard, and she downed them all until she became aware of a human standing at her side, close enough to piss her off.  
“Something you’re after?” he asked, his stinking breath hot on her cheek. 

When she didn’t respond he yelled into her ear, screaming “Hey bitch, you looking for something?”

Shepard turned her head very slowly to look at him and he grinned through crooked teeth, his hand reaching out to touch hers.

“Yes. I’m looking for you to fuck off,” she replied through clenched teeth, snatching her hand back and giving him a small push.

There was the smallest glint of metal and Shepard noticed she had a blade at her throat, the man’s hand clamping round her upper arm like a vice – it was all the excuse she needed.

Shepard snapped his wrist backwards, swung one leg up and kicked him across the room, biotics flaring as she bore down on him. Somebody made the mistake of leaping on her back, and she threw them over her shoulder, stamping hard on the prone figure as hell started to break loose.

She fought like a breaking storm, purple flashes of light in the darkness as she struck her foes down with every last ounce of the rage inside her. 

Jack took the opportunity to head-butt the Krogan and in a second the entire place had erupted into chaos with Garrus smashing bottles over a Vorcha’s head, and Shepard spinning at the centre, burning brightly.

A shot rang out, and Shepard went to raise her barrier, turning towards the noise as something grabbed her from behind and pinned her to the bar with one arm twisting painfully up her back.

The pain brought everything sharply into focus, and she lashed out behind her only to find herself slammed back down with a growl.  
“Siha, control yourself. That is an order”

“I am under control,” she spat and the pressure was released in an instant, giving her the opportunity to straighten up and glare at Thane. He looked angry with her and she found herself floored by lust, licking her lips as she stared right back at him. He removed his glasses, cupped her chin in his hand and examined her face for injuries with an expression that set her trembling.

“That’s quite a mess you’ve made,” Ariadne said as she walked slowly over, smiling at Shepard. “If you can do that in a bar I’d like to see what you can do in a real fight. I’ll tell you where the Claws are; just make sure you bring me back a souvenir. Their heads would do nicely.”

Thane gave her a bow and returned to the booth after giving Garrus and Shepard a warning glance.

“That escalated quickly,” Garrus laughed, sweeping broken glass off the bar and draping one of his arms around Shepard’s shoulders. 

“He pulled a knife on me!”

“Yeah I saw that, thought it would be more fun to let you deal with it yourself. And I was right.”

Shepard couldn’t help but snort into her drink, leaning her head against Garrus’ shoulder as the world started to sway gently with only her best friend to hold her up. The bar sold the worst drinks, the music was damaging her ears and her feet stuck to the floor with every step, but none of it meant a damned thing as long as she had Garrus with her. 

“I’m drunk now so I’m going to tell you that I love you,” she told him, planting a big wet kiss on whichever bit of his face she could reach.

“Damn it Shepard, your boyfriend is going to kill me now,” Garrus grumped, glancing down the bar to where Thane was approaching them with a look of barely controlled fury.  
“Time to leave,” Shepard smiled, downing her drink before falling into line behind Thane.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had so much fun writing this and I sat giggling thinking up a few things for it so I thought I'd tell you them.  
> I named Shepard's merc alter ego after Christopher Marlowe who wrote 'The Passionate Shepherd to His Love' and I named Thane Gideon for a number of reasons. I love Gideon Emery. Also the name means Destroyer and Mighty Warrior, as well as being linked to Gedeṓn (to feed the flock)  
> I probably think about these things too much.  
> Kobayashi is a planet in the codex, I admit I picked it for the Star Trek reference and ran with it.
> 
> I listened to Halo by Shuttle over and over again when I wrote this, if you can find it anywhere and it's the kind of thing you like there was a part in the middle (ish) where it fit perfectly with Shep losing it.
> 
> I am planning a second part of sorts to this story and it will contain smut.


	16. thanks

The strangest thing was that not one person looked at them. When they’d first sat down, perching at the cluttered bar, Shepard had been unable to stop herself from glancing round to see if anybody had noticed her.

There were creatures from every race there and not one of them was paying her the tiniest bit of attention. For the first time in years Shepard was a nobody and it was perfect.  
She picked up the menu, picked the first thing she didn’t recognise and leant her head on Thane’s shoulder.

“Thanks for bringing me here”

Thane dipped his lips into her hair and planted a soft kiss there, inhaling her scent with a deep breath that filled his lungs. He would keep this moment close to his heart until the end of his days, the warmth of her there beside him as they played at being a normal couple.

These moments were so small that he had to keep hold of them, to stop them being swept away in the broken battle that was their lives.


	17. look

It was the look on his face that gave it away, a certain soft expression that looked almost out of place on the face of the second human Spectre.

Kaidan was in love with Shepard, and whilst he may not admit to it the truth was still easy to see, written across his face every single time he spoke of her.

The simple fact of it unnerved Thane. Alone in his room after speaking with Kaidan, he scoured his memory for any mention of this pretender, any sign that she reciprocated his feelings. He found nothing more than brief mentions accompanied by the slightest hint of irritation.

This should have comforted him yet he felt stung simply by the presence of this human man with so obvious an affection for his Siha, not because of his species but because his time was drawing to a close and Kaidan would still be there for her.

When the day fell into dusk that dark eyed stranger would be the one at her side, he would be the one catching the smiles she gave like unexpected rays of sun, he would be the one to look after her when she made one of her rash decisions and limped home carrying the pain of it.

Her human memory would consume all memory of him, and this man would be there, bright in the fading twilight of her love for him.

Thane wanted to be happy that she would be accompanied by one who loved her, but on this occasion he felt the slightest twinge of bitterness at his fate. Long ago he would have simply accepted it as the wishes of Kalahira, but hers was no longer the embrace he craved.

He wanted to be the one at Shepard's side when she woke in the morning and when she fell asleep, battle weary and bruised.

He allowed himself to slip into one of his favourite memories of her, a moment she had probably forgotten already. The soft thrum of her heart against the warmth of her skin like hummingbirds whirring in her chest, hair shining black in the darkness of her room and his name on her lips, said with such longing it broke his heart to hear it now.

The door opened and Shepard stepped carefully in, walking as though made of glass. Bruises danced across her cheekbone and up over her eye, accompanied by a cut across her forehead.

She saw him looking and smiled, a faint show of a smile that failed to catch.

“I got on the wrong side of a brute” she admitted, lowering herself carefully onto the bed beside him. “Would you like to swop for a while? I could do with a rest”

“I’m afraid I would make a poor substitute for the great Commander Shepard”

He couldn’t keep the wheeze out of his voice, and he felt her still next to him, felt her fingers creep around his as the coughing fit deepened into something that required the inevitable nurse and oxygen mask.

Shepard watched him intently the whole time, biting her bottom lip and clutching her arms around herself. This was a regular occurrence now and the reality of it had started to settle over her like snow over the landscape, blurring the lines of everything she’d ever believed in.

He was being taken away from her one breath at a time.

As soon as the nurse left she set herself back down on the bed next to him and with steady hands she started to rub his chest, comforting spirals of warmth through his aching muscles. She started to sing a low tune as she did so and the melody of it reminded him of some song he’d heard as a child though the memory slipped away between his fingers.

“What…what are you singing?”

“Oh.” She smiled sheepishly, embarrassed to have been caught out. “Kolyat taught me. It’s a drell lullaby, I thought it might help.”

The drugs finally released the memory he’d been looking for and he remembered hearing those words falling from Irikah’s lips as she placed Kolyat down to sleep every night, a nonsense children’s song about the stars in the sky watching over them.

He remembered Irikah with a burst of brightly coloured memories, and his thoughts turned unavoidably to the man lay in the room down the hall, the man who could offer Shepard the second chance that she had given to him.

“Your friend…Commander Alenko,” he rasped, catching Shepard’s hand. “He is in love with you.”

“Kaidan?” She looked incredulous, a frown changing quickly to a grin on her beautiful face. “Really?”

“It is unmistakeable, the way he talks of you. I find it hard to believe you have not noticed, Siha.”

She shrugged and lay down beside him, propping her head up on her elbow and draping her other arm gently across his waist. “Garrus mentioned it a couple of times, I thought he was joking. I thought the same when he said it about you.”

Thane coughed, took a deep breath then rested his head against the soft under skin of her arm. “And did you believe him?”

“No, not at first, much as I wanted to believe him. I’ve never felt anything like what I felt the first time you told me you loved me. It’s one of my favourite memories of you,” she murmured, tracing delicate patterns up over his torso and peppering his face with tiny kisses. “So please, don’t say it.”

“Are my intentions that obvious?”

“You never mention anything without a reason. No I won’t move on when…when you leave me. I will carry you in my heart until the day I die and nothing…NOTHING you say can change my mind. Thane, look at me.”

He raised his eyes to hers, saw the tears starting to wind their way down her face and reached up to brush them away with trembling fingertips.

“I don’t love Kaidan. I love you. If I believe in anything after death I believe in you, I have to. I can’t go on thinking I won’t see you ever again, I can’t do this without you.”

“Siha, I will not leave you as long as you have need for me. Though I may not be by your side I will always be watching for you, waiting for the day when you return to me across the sea. You have given me so much, I wish I could offer you more.”

She smiled and pressed her tear stained face to his, whispering “You have given me everything I could have wished for. You gave me your heart.”

The door opened again and another nurse entered, giving them a disapproving glance.

Shepard drew herself away, clutching onto Thane’s hand until the last possible second. It hurt her more than she could possibly admit that she seemed to be the one doing all the leaving, wondering every second if she would be returning to an empty bed. Her bed on board the Normandy yawned wide with his absence, as did her heart.  
When he died her heart would go with him, no matter where he went. There would be no loving anybody else, no comfort in another’s arms. She would spend the rest of her days waiting for them to end so that she could return to him again and that knowledge settled like a stone in her chest, carrying her out to face the rest of her life without fear.


	18. summer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a companion piece to my fic Fallen Star, I'm in the midst of overhauling it and I'm planning the chapter that will accompany this.

Thane raised his scope, and watched patiently for his next target, easing his finger on the trigger as the familiar sound of Shepard going into battle reached his ears. High up in the cargo area there was no way she could see them, sheltered in the warm shadows of Illium.

It had been all Garrus’ idea that they ‘accompany’ Shepard on her mission, and he had agreed, not because he wished to see who was the better sniper out of the two. He knew the answer to that already.

He agreed because he enjoyed watching Shepard work. She moved across the battlefield without hesitation, a dancing shadow through his scope that caught his eye time and time again. 

“You’re way behind, Krios. Looks like you owe me a drink.”

Thane merely hummed in assent and leant back to his task of dropping anything that made the mistake of troubling Shepard.

She crouched behind a crate and popped her heatsink, the white of her neck visible through the dark curtain of her hair as she leant forwards to pop in a new heatsink with black gloved hands. 

Human skin was so different from the rough scales of Drell. He had touched the neck of humans during many assassinations and he had always been surprised at how soft it was beneath his killing hands, giving little resistance as he snapped the delicate neck bones.

He wondered how her neck would feel beneath his fingertips, wished to taste the warm summer sweat, beaded there like pearls, with the tip of his tongue and hear a gasp of pleasure at his touch.

The muffled crack of Garrus’ rifle forced him to focus, noticing with alarm that one of the mercenary’s they had presumed to be dead was taking the opportunity to creep up on Shepard from behind, her attention held by those in front.

Garrus saw him at the same time and they didn’t hesitate on taking the merc down with a synchronised round of bullets that sent him tumbling to the floor barely feet away from Shepard. Her attention had finally been caught.

Thane watched her glance round, saw her green eyes alight on the fresh corpse then with a slight frown she raised her eyes to look straight down his scope.

“Uh oh, looks like the games up,” Garrus growled, backing quickly into the shadows. “We’d best make ourselves scarce and hope she sees the funny side later. And next time we’re in a bar the drinks are on you Krios.”

“Of course,” Thane agreed, folding his gun away carefully and stealing through the darkness back to the Normandy. He could hardly complain that the competition had been unfair, though he knew his attention had more than wandered. 

If he admitted it to Garrus’ he was admitting to himself that his thoughts lingered on the Commander more often than not, something he had not allowed himself to consider in any depth. He wanted her and the thought both thrilled and scared him, wanting her to ache for his touch the way he ached for hers.


	19. transformation

Thane hadn’t seen Shepard for days and though he tried not to worry he couldn’t help himself. Drell weddings were a complicated affair and this one was particularly so; Liara had insisted that they combine it with the Asari ceremony and Feron had the sense to agree.

That made Shepard’s job all the more difficult. As Liara’s chosen representative she had a ceremonial role that went far beyond simply handing her friend over – it was her job to guide Feron the place of bonding and present him to the bride, as well as performing the first part of the bonding rite.

A Drell would have had no problem performing this role but as an outsider she hadn’t heard the words before or even attended a Drell wedding, leaving her with a distinct disadvantage that Feron’s family were keen to make up for by practically adopting her, absorbing her into their colourful brood.

As a result he hadn’t laid eyes on her for over four days and those days had felt oddly empty without her there at his side, the familiar curl of her hands in his or the warmth of her there pressed against him in the dark.

He had lain there for those four rain filled nights and lost himself in his favourite memories of her but they had served only to deepen the loneliness, surfacing from each one only to find the bed cold and empty.

Now the day itself had arrived and dawn was streaking grey and silver across the sky, covering everything with a sparkling haze as the rain of the night before evaporated and left the ground sparkling, revealing every footstep towards the meeting place.

He knew Shepard wouldn’t be there yet but he followed the footprints nevertheless, knowing that in a few hours she would be at his side again. Before then was the first part of the ceremony – the part that Shepard would be leading.

They were all gathered in the clear hush of the dawn, forming a corridor lined with family and friends. The crew of the Normandy were there further up the line and Thane joined them, finding himself placed next to Tali by efficient family members. Garrus leant backwards, caught his eye and twitched his mandibles in a gesture that Thane had grown to know well.

He was nervous, for himself or Shepard. Probably Shepard, she had made no secret of her nerves about getting this wrong and they were all steeling themselves for the sight of their commander tripping over her robes or making a mistake during her leading of the rite. It wouldn’t be the worst thing that could have happened but this was Liara – Shepard wanted to get it exactly right, it was the least she could do for Liara after everything she’d done for her.

The soft chiming of bells drifted through the air and a hushed silence descended over them, the sky brightening slightly as dawn began its approach.

At once everybody joined hands and across the grass, accompanied by the pealing of tiny bells, he heard her moving towards them.

She came shimmering through the haze, clothed in the colours of the dawn – palest pinks, soft yellows and the shimmer of silver grey, gossamer silks trailing around her bare feet as she led Feron down the line.

Her transformation was complete. She was no longer Shepard but the glowing spirit of the bond they were about to enter into, a guardian for what was considered to be the most important moment in their life as a couple, the fragile beginning of a new partnership blessed by Arashu.

Her face was lit by a bright smile as she looked at each one of the guests in passing. Then she saw him. Her pace faltered and she moved as though to run to him, collecting herself just in time. Feron noticed the sudden tug at his arm and gave Thane a nervous grin, dipping his head respectfully as they finally drew level.

He reached for her and she reached back, their fingertips brushing for the briefest of moments and their gazes meeting in a promise they knew would be fulfilled in long moments later that day.

Then she was gone, dancing down the line towards the clearing where Liara waited, seated and veiled in full Asari ceremonial dress.

As dawn started to break at last Shepard took their hands and with clear, unfaltering words she bound them together in their first day, offering them up to the light of the new day.


	20. tremble

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the second part of my prompt 'Order', smut as promised

He found her crouched over the body of the Asari Ariadne, a blade still clutched tightly in her hand. All of their effort and bloodshed had brought them here to this darkened room, and as she straightened to face him he realised at once what her expression meant.

“The plans? Where are they?”

“I…she destroyed them,” Shepard said, her voice cutting through the air. “We fought and…”

“I see. You let your anger cloud your judgment,” Thane rasped, stepping closer to examine the fallen body of the asari who only a few hours ago had been warm against him. Now that warmth was fading beneath his fingertips.

“She attacked me, I had no choice.”

“And the plans? They were the reason for this entire façade Shepard, you allowed yourself to lose control over some imaginary flirting – something I was under your orders to perform.”

“Losing the plans was not my fault, and as for her…” Shepard took a deep breath in an attempt to steady herself, staring down into the pitiless depths of Thane’s black eyes. “She had no right to touch you like that, and whilst you two were busy I had a knife pulled on me by some bastard at the bar."

“Drunk or not I had full confidence in you to protect yourself Shepard. You let the plans be destroyed because of your own foolish pride.”

“She double crossed us!” Shepard spat, sheathing her knife and pacing away as her rage threatened to tumble out in her words. “It wasn’t my fault that she got rid of them.”

“Stop it Shepard,” Thane warned, getting slowly to his feet and stepping over the body. “Stop making excuses.”

She looked at him; her anger bursting full flowered across her face now.

“Make me Krios.”  
He crossed the room in a split second, and pinned her to the wall using the weight of his body, leaning into her neck and biting down on the warm leap of her pulse as he found the waistband of her impossibly tight trousers.

She gave a cry of surprise and pain that he muffled with a fierce kiss, holding nothing back as he sought to make her his. He yanked her trousers down beneath her hips and slid his fused fingers deep into her hot, wet, flesh, feeling her clench around the sudden onslaught and grind frantically against him.

He wasn’t in the mood for forgiveness. He moved slowly, teasing her with one slick finger before using his free hand to pull up her vest and shove her bra roughly up over her breasts.

Bending his head to her he sucked on the soft skin of her nipples until she cried out and arched her back against him, her moans filling the air with her desperate longing for him.  
It was then that he heard the others approaching and without a word he released her, stepping away and licking his wet fingers without taking his eyes off her. She stood unmoving, the delicate curve of her breasts rising and falling as she struggled to regain her composure.

Miranda, Garrus and Jack strode into the room, staring round at the scene of devastation. Kasumi materialised from somewhere near the door, the expression on her face revealing that she might have arrived somewhat earlier than the others. She raised her eyebrows at Shepard who had stepped from Thane’s shadow with her vest crumpled and her top trouser button undone.

“What the hell happened here?” Miranda asked, poking at one of the bodies with the toe of her immaculate leather boot. “I take it this was some kind of trap. And the plans?”

“Destroyed,” Shepard husked, adjusting her jacket. “They never had any intention of giving them to us.”

“So all this was for nothing?” Miri turned away in frustration, wondering what the Illusive Man would have to say on the matter.

“There’s no way they wouldn’t have made copies of that data,” Garrus said, holstering his weapon.

Shepard shrugged and walked past Thane, taking care not to look at Kasumi. “There’s no way of finding them unless we tear the whole place apart and we’ve wasted enough time on this. Let’s get back to the Normandy; we’ll just have to see what Mordin comes up with.”

“Hell, I’m up for tearing this place apart,” Jack said, falling into line next to Garrus as they started on their dejected trudge back to the shuttle. “This is the most fun I’ve had in years, did you see me head-butt that fucker? He never knew what hit him.”

“Well I’m glad some of us got to have some fun,” Kasumi smiled, earning herself a glare from Shepard.

—-

The shuttle ride back was almost silent. They were all exhausted, and Shepard found herself lost in the thought of what Thane had been about to do to her, his bite still stinging a little. When she looked up at him he raised his dark eyes to meet hers in a show of defiance that made her suck her breath in with a hiss.

They landed and they all got up to leave, Shepard allowing her crew to go first as a matter of courtesy. When Thane made to leave Kasumi turned to him and with the slightest of grins she said “Oh no, I think you two have a couple of things to straighten out.”

Kasumi waited until everyone else had left then with a small wave she shut the door and plunged them back into the gloom of the shuttle where they sat staring at each other in barely muted frustration.

“I wasn’t making excuses,” Shepard finally managed to choke out, glaring at him across the shuttle.

“There are always other ways of dealing with things Shepard.”

“Not that again,” she muttered, looking at her hands then over at him as a thought crept into her mind. Her biotics burst into life, and before Thane could move she had used a force field to pin him down, a trick that he had taught her.

She walked slowly across towards him and with agonising slowness she dragged her lips across the velvet ripples of skin at his neck just as the asari had. This time he felt not discomfort but pleasure flood through his prone body as she darted her tongue out and lapped gently along his skin before straddling him.

Thane couldn’t help but watch her, every nerve in his body thrilling with anticipation at the look in her eyes. She took a small blade from her pocket and with a last look at him she grasped his top and started to cut through, exposing his body to the cool air.

“Siha?”

“It’s too late for that” she whispered, setting another trail of kisses blazing from his neck up to his lips where she nipped him hard enough to draw a gasp. Then she resumed her work with the blade, slicing right down the front until she found exactly what she was looking for.

Thane could help but moan when she cut the fabric that held his erection free and the unbearable chill of the air met his hot, pleading, skin.

Shepard put the knife away then kissed her way down his chest, keeping him pinned as she let her warm breath ghost over his skin. Every muscle in his body clenched as she licked slowly up the ridges of his exposed skin and took him in her mouth for one long exquisite second.

Then she got up and started walking away, releasing him from her trap just as she opened the door of the shuttle and walked away without a backwards glance.

Thane felt the breeze dance over his skin and with a grunt he managed to pull his clothes over himself just enough to protect his modesty, provided he kept his coat firmly shut. There was no sign of Shepard when he emerged from the shuttle.

Returning to his room he decided this had gone far enough. He was lightheaded from desire, barely able to think beyond what he wished to do with her the moment he found her.

—-

Shepard threw her clothes in a pile on the floor and got into the shower, washing off the filth of Kobayashi and trying to ignore the lust that flared in her every time she touched herself, her soapy fingers curving around over her skin as she let herself think about Thane.

It was no good. With a sigh she dragged herself out of the shower and lay down on the bed, spreading her legs as she let herself remember exactly how he had touched her there against the wall.

She was still wet and her unbearably swollen, her fingers slipping lightly inside herself as she arched her back and his name fell from her mouth.

“Thane.”

“Siha.”

She opened her eyes and found him stood over her wearing only a pair of black cotton trousers, his arousal easy to see.

Shepard spread her legs wider and dipped her fingers in one by one until Thane snatched her hand away and pressed it over her head, claiming her mouth in a kiss that left her reeling with desire as his venom spread sweetly through her blood stream and made her tremble at the renewed sensation of his skin against hers.

She was unbearably sensitive now, lost in the smallest movements of him against her as he stepped out of his trousers and lifted her hips to meet his with a thrust that knocked them both off balance.

Thane sheathed himself in her again and they tumbled into the blankets, Shepard legs snaking around his waist and holding him firm.

“Say it,” she gasped, clenching herself to him and rocking her hips to meet his with a force that made them both cry out.

“Say it,” she babbled again, squirming her nipples against the scales of his chest.

Thane drove himself into her again, his breath hot in her ear as the word shivered on the tip of his tongue. Still he didn’t say it, instead pulling back to look at her face as she lay beneath him. Her wet hair was plastered to her face and her cheeks were red with effort, lips parted in a silent cry as he drew back and slammed into her again.

She arched her back, dug her nails into his sides and felt herself start to give in to the wave that was threatening to overtake her, the venom trailing through her blood with bursts of pleasure that grew in intensity every time he moved inside her.

Thane leant into her neck, snagged the skin with his teeth then slid tenderly out of her just enough to let his tip rest against her quivering flesh.

“Siha,” he murmured, driving himself inside her with one last thrust that lost them both. He clutched her to him as they shuddered together, the sweet grip of her body leaving him utterly spent as her last cry echoed in his ears.


	21. sunset

She was lost in dreams of darkness, of ghosts moving through the sunset and vast ships spread amongst the stars – each one lit with a bright fire that destroyed everything it touched.

The only thing she was sure of was the knowledge that her body had been awoken by a craving that stole the breath from her, and she surfaced from sleep with its pattern on her skin.

Something warm was nudging at her thighs and from beneath her lowered eyelashes she saw movement in the darkness, fragments of her dream bursting full flowered into her head as a shadow split her legs apart and moved over her like the onset of a summer squall.

Panic set in, a staccato beat of fear that caused her to cry out at the sight confronting her. This creature was carved from some forgotten dream, dark stripes moving over scaled flesh as it moved its weight onto her and found her with the black pools of its eyes, catching her gaze and entering her with a delicate thrust.

The fear froze in her throat as her body rose to meet his in a practised dance, and whatever he was he knew every nerve in her body with a precision that forced every sense to submit to the glide of him inside her.

A voice, spun from velvet, vibrated through her, and she felt his expectation gather for a reply as he took her face in his hands and fell as silent as the stars. She had no words for this stranger, only the rolling beat of her heart as he filled her with a need that took everything she was and crushed it until there was only this, the two of them tangled in the shadows.

He spoke again, and this time a glimpse of worry flashed over his face. She whimpered at his lack of movement, and then found herself cast into the cold as the creature withdrew, leaving her stranded in a lust that laid its cobwebs over her every thought as he moved away across the bed and watched.

The faintest shimmer of blue light enveloped him, and for a second it looked as though he were sinking beneath the sea, his limbs nested around him. 

Instinctively she moved forwards, knowing only that she had to catch him and hold on.

Her motion surprised him and he reached for her wrists, catching her star fish hands and holding her firmly as she stirred against the welcome warmth of his touch and curved in to take his lips with hers, silencing him with the seal of her kiss.

She felt his resolve waver, touched her tongue to his and invited herself onto his lap where his desire was still obvious. It encouraged her only further. She wanted to break his will with hers and make him move inside her again with a ferocity that consumed her.

Still he didn’t move and she worried her teeth at his lip before biting down and tasting the faint tang of blood in her mouth, the taste of him warm on her tongue.

The creature reacted at speed, dragging her backwards across the bed and pinning her to the wall with the long length of his body where he held her arms high above her head and watched her in silence.

He was painfully close and the ghost of his touch made her writhe against him as she sought to press her advantage, her conviction in his desire for her making her bold. She swayed her hips forward, caught his tender flesh and pressed herself there until she felt his breath drop hot on her neck.

His battle was lost, and in that moment he let go of her arms and slipped inside her again, this time shedding all pretence of restraint.

His every movement sent sparks of desire whirling through her, and she claimed his kiss again without fear, letting the darkness twist through her veins as her blood stated to sing. He was in every filament of her being and as she looked at him she saw fragments of her dream rise and fall before her until they obliterated everything and left her caught in aftershocks of pleasure.

The shadow moved in her one last time and with a bewildered cry he was left breathless in the cradle of her arms, finding himself as lost as she was – this creature of his own making.

She would not remember it in the morning. This night was his and his alone.


	22. thousand

Her last message came in just before the crucible fired, her voice calm and clear over the static.

“If you should find something of me, give it to the sea.”

It was Garrus that insisted they look, dragging them back there and searching long after the others had given into exhaustion. His talons were broken and bloody by the time he found the charred shell of her armour and the blackened flesh emerging from it, a sight that stilled the blood in his veins.

There had been some small part of him that expected to find her alive. She’d beaten death before, survived impossible odds and always, always, showed up when he needed her most. He couldn’t help the twinge of disappointment that this time she’d let him down.

Instead he did what she’d taught him. Garrus made sure that those left behind did the right thing.

It took time to transport what was left of her to Kahje and even more time to negotiate with the Drell for the right to carry out Shepard’s last wish. In the end it was Kolyat that intervened and smoothed over the remaining issues, even offering to help with the ceremony.

The morning dawned bright and clear, a far cry from the usual storms that engulfed the battered shore, and Garrus knew this was what she would have wanted. Damn, she always hated the rain.

As they lowered her body into the water a shoal of tiny fish passed by, obscuring her from view with the glinting of a thousand tiny rainbows that flashed through the growing depths of the sea.

Then she was gone, safe in the last embrace of the sea.


	23. diamond

It sat waiting in his room, a constant presence in the corner of his mind, and he couldn’t help but worry about what she would think.

He’d never thought himself particularly good at buying gifts and the fact that it was for a human added an extra layer of complication that left him doubting his decision with increasing urgency.

If she’d been a Drell he would have bought her tea or jewellery, but this was different. She was human and he wished to make an effort to understand what her culture deemed significant, as she had attempted to do for him – with varying degrees of success.

He had considered asking Garrus, her best friend, but having spent a meal time watching them wage a viciously fought battle of kicking each other under the table he decided against it.

That left the other crew members, of which the other human females were a logical choice, and out of them there was only one that Thane trusted enough to supply that kind of information – the Thief.

Her response had been effusive, to say the least. According to Kasumi diamonds, flowers and chocolate were a good place to start with human women but somehow none of these things seemed appropriate. Shepard was unlikely to wear any jewellery given her propensity for getting blown up on a regular basis, flowers of any description would die within days knowing the state of the Commanders fish tank and as for chocolate he knew she kept a secret stash under her bed.

That left him with tea. When he had suggested it to Kasumi, hoping to gauge her reaction, he had been met with outright hilarity. Of course he’d remembered where she’d grown up, he watched the vids and even dared to ask her about her time on earth when she’d seemed willing to talk about. She had grown up somewhere in one of the sprawling cities that made up the North of England, and the significance of the location was, he had to admit, utterly lost on him given his limited grasp of human geography and customs. 

So, after some explaining from Kasumi, he had settled on a gift. He had been forced into using one of his old contacts to find it, even on somewhere as well stocked as the Citadel and once he’d found the right one the price had been extravagant. 

The price didn’t bother him, it was her reaction that did.

By the time they retired to her quarters he found himself unable to think of anything else and he had excused himself almost immediately, much to her confusion.

It was only when he returned with the extravagantly wrapped box that the reason for his agitation became clear. 

“Happy Birthday,” Thane managed, handing her the box then sitting down with his hands folded in his lap. 

The smile he received was worth the ordeal, a slow dawning smile that lit up her eyes as she stared at the ridiculous bow and shiny wrapping paper that Kasumi had insisted was almost as important as the gift itself.

Her hands were shaking a little as she opened it, the smile vanishing into a look of rapt attention as the work of almost an hour spent wrapping it was undone in mere seconds and tossed on the floor at her feet.

What she was left with was a sturdy box with no sign of what was inside. 

Shepard glanced at him, took a deep breath and lifted the lid off.

For a second Thane felt his heart pause in his chest as he desperately tried to gauge her reaction, the look on her face one of blank shock. 

Then she lifted out one of the tea cups and turned it over in her battle calloused hands, the delicate china singing quietly beneath her touch. 

Shepard sucked in her bottom lip and to his astonishment he saw tears well up in her eyes as she stared at the gift and attempted to speak, her voice failing her for the first time since he’d known her.

The sight of her tears made him desperately uncertain and his stomach gave a lurch as she placed the cup down on the table and took his face in her hands, leaning in to place a butterfly kiss on his forehead.

“Thane, this…this is…I don’t know what to say.”

Thane grabbed her hands, rubbing his thumbs in circles over her skin. “Say you like it Siha.”

“How could I not like it?” she grinned, lunging in to give him a hug then springing back to the box and starting to unpack it with a broad smile on her face. “It’s beautiful, there’s even a sugar bowl!”

She made what sounded like a shriek then started arranging it on the table with overly fussy movements, switching everything round then changing it again seconds later. 

“Thank you, this is the best birthday present I’ve ever had. I always wanted a tea set,” she said, leaning in and kissing him on the cheek. “There’s just a few things missing.”

Thane stilled, his joy at her reaction ebbing away. “Ah, my apologies Siha, I had been informed that this was a complete set.”

Shepard smiled, reached across the table and handed him the tea pot. “We need tea.”


	24. outside

Every moment of the last few months had been waiting for this, this last second before she stepped through the door. All of her thoughts had been coloured by it, her words half empty as she longed to say his name again but didn’t dare for the damage it would wreak on her already fragile state.

Months of staring at the same walls with no word as to his condition and now this, the hospital door, the message that had finally found her, the painful throb of her heart in her hollow chest.

With a last gasp she was through the door and into the bright lounge that thrummed with people, too many people. Where was he?

Time gave a stutter and stood still as panic welled up in her veins – what if she hadn’t made it in time, what if her worst fears came true?

A figure, a shadow that had been cast across her life, moved by the window and she found herself moving before the recognition had even set begun to set in, her arms reaching for the one thing that had sustained her through every dark night since their parting.

He looked lost in thought, memories playing across his face in a series of tiny expressions that made her heart ache just to look at him. She hoped, foolishly perhaps, that he was thinking of her.

As the gap closed he broke free of the grasp of his memories and half turned, his eyes flickering and his hands uncurling from behind his back as he caught sight of the reflection, an image he had longed to see.

He turned, afraid beyond all else that this vision before him was nothing but a fragment of his memories, and before he could speak she was upon him.

Shepard felt his arms catch her, felt her fall finally stopped. He was so warm against her, his scent overpowering that of the hospital as she buried her face in his shoulder and held on as her body tried to cling to that which it had longed for.

“Siha…”

The word dropped into her heart like a pebble into the sea. He could never fill the aching need she had for him and he never would, a hard truth that had worn all the sharp edges from them.

Thane pulled back, just enough to tilt her face upwards so that he could read everything he saw and devour the fact of her there, the new lines on her face that he had yet to memorise and the badly chopped hair framing her weary face.

“I heard Earth was under attack, I didn’t know if you’d made it out,” he said softly, stroking a stray tendril of hair back behind her ears. The distress shimmered through his voice and he saw Shepard’s face crumple as something in her finally broke.

“I’m so sorry, Thane…I…”

“Please Siha, none of this is your fault.”

“I spent every second wondering how you were, nobody would tell me anything,” she gasped out, gripping the fabric of his coat and twisting it.

Thane pulled her against him, noticing as he did so that they had gained something of an audience.

“Siha, perhaps we should continue this somewhere slightly less public,” he murmured in her ear, slipping his hand into hers and leading her slowly down the corridor towards his room.

He hated it in there, the white tomb he’d been consigned to. Even its spectacular view seemed particularly cruel as life thronged outside whilst he sat confined behind the glass unable to touch any of it.

Somehow with Shepard there it seemed less barren and he contented himself that he would have that memory for later when she left, as she inevitably would.

“I sent a few messages while you were incarcerated, though I suspected they never got past the guards.”

She nodded, gripping his hand tightly as she stared around the room in mute horror. It had finally come to this.

She caught Thane looking at her, saw the colour leeched from his once vibrant skin and the new shapes to his face that she hadn’t seen before, the illness creeping across his features and stealing him away.

Surrender had never come easily to her. She took his hands and pulled him close, grazing her lips against his with a tenderness that left him trembling for more. She had never treated him as though he were fragile before and out of everything that shook him the most, a final acceptance of what was to come even if he still wasn’t ready.

“Siha, with you here everything seems…much more difficult. If you had gone I would have embraced Kalahira with open arms. Now it seems that I must leave you, now when you have need of me most.”

“I wish I could keep you forever,” Shepard whispered. “There are so many stupid things that I’ve wished for…I wanted to marry you and find us somewhere to live in the desert. And now the reapers are here, really here. I wish I’d been wrong, I wish I was the crazy woman the council always said I was.”

She slumped down on the bed and rubbed her eyes with the heels of her hands in a bid to hold back the tears that were consuming her. She felt the bed drop as Thane sat beside her and started to rub her back in broad circles as though she was the one that needed looking after.

“I’m sorry for going on like this – how has it been here? What have the doctors said?” she asked, blinking rapidly and looking up at him.

“My disease has progressed rapidly. I appear to be living on borrowed time,” Thane admitted, seeing the wince of pain of her face.

“You can borrow some of mine. I don’t think I’m going to need it all somehow.”

“How bad is it Siha? How far have the reapers come?”

“Far enough for me to know that, short of a miracle, we’re not going to be able to stop them. Everyone is going to die and I can’t do a damn thing about it,” Shepard muttered, her breath quickening. “Thane, will you wait for me? I don’t want to die alone.”

“You have never been alone Siha, I will wait for you wherever you have need of me. In this life or the next.”

It was not what she had hoped for back when she first found herself so helplessly in love with him. Back then hope had burnt freely through her with talk of cures and being prepared for the reapers, destroying the human reaper in a blaze of glory. Acceptance had come later, hard earned after months of enforced solitude. She hadn’t been able to run from the truth anymore.

She gave a broken sob and reached for him, dusting his face with kisses then gathering him to her as the grief rolled through her and left her empty. Neither of them were willing to let go, Thane’s arms tight around her as he filled the room with the peaceful rasp of his trilling, a sound that had followed so many of their nights together.

They stayed tangled up, holding each other together even after her omni-tool pinged then pinged again. Still Shepard held on, unwilling to leave.

After a few minutes the intercom sounded and the discordant voice of a nurse filled the air.

“We have a messenger waiting outside for Commander Shepard, he says it’s urgent.”

“It’s always urgent,” Shepard grumped, closing her eyes for a second.

A knock sounded on the door and finally, slowly, they pulled away from each other.

Shepard got stiffly to her feet and opened the door, her eyes never leaving Thane.

“What is it? I gave order not to be disturbed,” she snapped, glaring out to find Garrus stood there.

“Look, Shepard I know this is bad timing but we’ve had a message from Admiral Hackett, he needs to talk to you and before you say anything he wouldn’t say why.”

Shepard let a stream of curses escape under her breath, none of them translatable. “Fine, just give me a minute.”

“Any longer and I’m coming in there to get you. You’re not giving up on me now Shepard.”

She gave a weak shrug and shut the door, leaning on it with her back then reaching her hands out to Thane.

“Promise me you’ll wait for me. No going anywhere until I get back and that’s an order.”

Thane laughed, the sound breaking into a wracking cough that brought Shepard to his side where she rubbed his back with her warm hands. He wished that she would never let go of him, that those hands would be the last thing he felt as he slipped from the world.

“I am no longer a member of your crew,” he wheezed after a moment, catching the look on her face.

“It’s not that simple. Once a crew member always a crew member. If you come with me I’ll even let you share my bed,” she joked gently, patting the sturdy hospital bed and frowning.

Garrus knocked and with a last sigh Shepard got to her feet and walked slowly towards the door with Thane in tow. He tugged on her hand as they reached it, pulling her close one last time.

“I missed you Shepard.”

She smiled, reaching up to cradle his face.

“I missed you too, Thane.”

Then she was gone.


	25. letters

He was looking for something else when he found them, the small bundle of faded letters tucked away in her drawer. He hadn’t meant to pry, intending to continue his search for the hairbrush Shepard insisted was in there. Then he saw the photo.

It wasn’t the fact that she had her arms wrapped around a human that did it; it was the expression of utter joy that radiated out of the picture. 

His stillness caught Shepard’s attention and she instantly whipped her head around to see where he was looking, the book dropping from her hand.

“I thought I said the right hand drawer, third one down,” she said, slipping her naked form out of bed and padding over to him.

Thane frowned, brushing his thoughts over the memory of her instructions. “And yet I remember you saying the left.”

“Ah, nevermind,” she shrugged, crouching down beside the drawer and taking the picture out to look at it. She couldn’t help but feel a tinge of regret when she looked at the picture and saw how happy she looked and how simple everything had been back then, not that she regretted any of it. 

In the end it had all brought her to Thane, for better or for worse.

“I have more pictures, if you’d like to see them.”

“Very much so Siha, you have told me very little about your past.”

“Hop back in bed and I’ll bring them over,” she told him, waiting until he’d done as she asked before pulling out the letters and the folder underneath it. She had no idea why she’d kept it and beyond Liara there were precious few others alive to know its contents, something that was for the best.

She weighed it up then decided to fetch it over with the rest, tipping the letters and photographs into Thane’s lap but keeping the folder pressed to her chest.

“The letters were from my last boyfriend,” she admitted, catching a glimpse of his familiar writing. “We split up not long before I shipped out on the Normandy.”

Thane opened the first letter and found himself reading a pained declaration of love that made him feel sympathy for the unknown writer. He had poured his heart and soul into it, his love for Shepard resonating through every line.

He had expected Shepard would have had lovers before him and this thought had never bothered him. What did bother him was the general reluctance she showed when it came to discussing anything from her past and he knew there must be a reason for it, though he didn’t like to presume what that was.

He had opened up to Shepard from the outset, telling her all about his wife when he hadn’t spoken of her in years. Irikah had been the only one that mattered, not the one that came before. 

But this was the first time Shepard had seemed willing to discuss her history and from the way she clutched the folder he had a suspicion that she still remained reluctant.

“His name was Michael,” Shepard offered, shuffling forward to look at the letter then wincing. “I was the one that broke it off.”

“Might I ask why you kept these?”

Shepard frowned, pushing her hair back from her face. “I suppose it’s because whenever I got lonely I could read them and tell myself that once upon a time someone had loved me like that. I never did get round to reading them again though.”

Thane leafed through the pictures then looked up at her, studying her face intently. “Did you love him?”

“Michael, no. There was only one person…before you, and even that’s…questionable.”

Shepard bit her lip and shuffled closer, laying the folder down very carefully on his lap. “There’s something I haven’t told you. I haven’t really talked to anyone about it ever and…I don’t want you to…”

“Siha, whatever it is it will not change how I feel about you, you have my word. I love you for who you are now, not for what you may have been in your past,” Thane rumbled, reaching one hand out to stroke her face. She smiled, taking his hand and kissing him on his upturned palm.

“I love you too, now open the folder before I change my mind and finally burn it.”

She pulled the cover up to her chin and watched as he opened the folder and pulled out a sheaf of paper that he lay carefully down on the bed in front of him.  
Uppermost was a police report with a colour picture of Shepard on the front. She looked little more than a girl, hands clutched in front of her and her chin stuck up in a show of defiance that he found achingly familiar.

The report showed she had been arrested for a minor charge of affray although it did list crimes she was suspected of committing, a list that went on for more than a page. It was then that he saw it, the name tucked away at the bottom of the page. She was listed as a suspected member of the Tenth Street Reds, a gang well known for their anti-alien tendencies. 

He couldn’t help but look at her, his brows raised in surprise. “I’d like to believe I changed your mind about aliens but I believe there is more to this story than you’ve shown me.”  
Shepard took a deep breath, knotting her fingers together as she returned his look. 

“The tenth street reds are my fault, I…I was involved with them before they became anti-alien. When I was fourteen I met somebody called Nathan Lawler, he asked me to join the tenth street reds and I said yes. They weren’t into anything serious, at first. Just some stealing, a couple of fights with rival gangs. By the time I turned sixteen things were…a little different.”

She looked down at her hands, finding the right words. “Nathan and I started going out. Then I fell in love with him. He was…”

Impossible, impetous, over confident and everything that she should have stayed away from.

“He brought out the worst in me. Where I grew up you had no future beyond where you lived, nothing to hope for, no means of escape. Nathan encouraged me to make the best of it by giving in to the inevitable. He said we had no hope so why not have a good time before we died. I suppose Samara would say I was something of a hedonist.”

Shepard reached out and took an envelope from amongst the papers, slipping it open and removing one picture from it. “I had these pictures removed from Nathan a couple of years ago.”

Thane could see why. If this picture were to fall into the wrong hands it could cause embarrassment for both her and the Alliance.

“The great Commander Shepard” she laughed bitterly, taking the picture away again. “Things took a turn for the worst when we got together. Nathan started dealing drugs and everything went downhill from there. He’d always had some grudge against aliens but I never thought he’d do anything about it.”

“When you are living like that it is easier to pin the blame on those outside of yourself rather than accept the truth,” Thane said, setting Shepard’s police report to one side and studying the one beneath it.

Nathan Lawler looked out of the picture at him, dark eyed and angry. 

“One day I came back to find that they’d kidnapped a Batarian. He was pretty beaten up by the time I found him. Nathan had left him with a couple of our friends whilst he went to help his brother. That was the first time I’d ever seen an alien,” she admitted, shuffling up to Thane and laying her head on his shoulder. “I thought I’d be scared but he just looked so afraid when I found him, he thought I was going to continue where they’d left off.”

Thane took her hand, hearing her breath catch as she thought back to that moment. Human memories seemed to be selective in their attention, retaining some memories with almost perfect clarity and dismissing everything else. This seemed particularly true of painful memories.

“When I looked at him I saw exactly what we’d become. Thugs and criminals and it was only going to get worse unless I did something. So, I killed them. I killed my so-called friends and set him free. They looked so surprised at first, that’s what gave me the advantage. I thought…I hoped that if everyone believed it was the Batarian that had done it then they’d be too scared to do anything like that again. I was wrong.”

Shepard took her hand from his and gathered up the pictures so she didn’t have to look at Nathan’s face anymore.

“It made them worse, so I ran away. I ran away from home and never went back, I still haven’t been back and I haven’t seen Nathan since. Everyone that they’ve killed since then has been because of me, because I thought I could stop them and instead it turned them into what they are now.”

“You were young Siha. We all make mistakes, every one of us. Considering everything you have done since then I would say you have more than atoned for your actions,” Thane told her, seeing the distress on her face and longing to soothe it away. “I would hardly have guessed that you lived the life of a hedonist before joining the military. I had wondered why you avoid alcohol when all other humans seem so fond of it.”

“Not just alcohol,” Shepard admitted, tucking herself in the crook of Thane’s arm as he lay down and started running his fingers through her hair. The action soothed them both and he often fell asleep with his hands tangled in it.

“Is there something else I should know?” he purred, enjoying the warmth of her legs draped over his.

“Actually yes. You don’t really think that I dance like that on purpose do you?”

“I…the thought had crossed my mind Siha, though I was willing to believe you simply lacked any natural sense of rhythm.”

Shepard growled and started tickling him gently, just enough to make him squirm beneath her fingers. “I didn’t always dance like that, it’s just that the way I used to dance is possibly more embarrassing.”

“I find that hard to believe.”

“Stop that or I won’t show you,” Shepard warned, her fingers stopping by his throat. “I used to dance with Nathan and, well, it wasn’t really the kind of dancing you can do in front of your crew if you still want them to follow orders the next day.”

That caught Thane’s attention, his thought wandering back to that picture. “My apologies Siha, though I admit I am rather curious now. There’s a bar on the Citadel that offers private booths for a small sum of money, should you wish to visit,” Thane murmured, leaving a small trail of kisses down Shepard’s cheek.

“A life of hedonism is sounding more attractive by the second” Shepard responded, lifting her head and giving him a long, promising, kiss. “But first there’s something else I need to show you.”

Thane could barely concentrate as she climbed onto him, her soft skin brushing against him yet she was waiting for a response. “And…what is that?”

Shepard leant over him, a smile on her face.

“My natural sense of rhythm. Now don’t move.”


	26. promise

It was the first night sleeping alone that was the hardest. She’d been sleeping without him for a variety of reasons for a long time now but this was the worst, knowing that no matter where she went she would find no trace of him. Thane had slipped into death and left her behind.

There was no hope when she clambered into bed, no way of telling herself that this was temporary. She had no beliefs to give her comfort, no book that could offer something beyond what she had seen in that hospital room. He had been what she believed in and without him she had no faith left for what was to come.

She had watched Thane’s spirit leave his body and in that instant, that indrawn second, she had grasped how truly alone she was. Now she lay alone in bed, the bed they had shared, and realised that nothing could prepare her for the emptiness of her life without him.

It wasn’t just the sex that she missed, it was the drifting into dream with him at her side, the knowledge that she would wake again with him there. If a nightmare struck he’d held onto her until it relinquished her from its grasp. Now there was nothing but silence.

Shepard slept on the sofa that night and every other night, leaving her bed as empty as it felt. She couldn’t even look at it, that wide expanse with its promise of memories and that scent that clung stubbornly to the blankets.

It wasn’t until her final night, that night before they made the final push, that she allowed herself to slip between the sheets. For once the quiet was welcoming and she folded herself beneath the blankets, inhaling the scent that she had denied herself for so long. Those sheets had held his body, they had slipped over them both as they moved under them as one, they had been the backdrop to whispers of love and they lingered still.

For once the memories held not the sting of parting but the sweet promise of reunion, for once she left that room there was no hope of her coming back. And that bed would lie there empty once again, filled with the ghost of memories fulfilled.


	27. future

She never ran away from anything, but she found herself wanting to run from this. Her feet had carried her all the way, right up to the entrance of the Orphanage and it was there that she finally came to a halt, digging her heels into the soft path.

“Wait, Thane. I can’t go in there.”

Shepard turned, looked back down at the way they’d came, then up at the domed roof where the sound of rain hissed with a constant whisper. She didn’t like Kahje particularly. It was only her job that had brought her back there.

Since she’d woken up in a hospital bed a couple of months before, the sense of stillness had been baffling. One moment she had been the pivot around which the galaxy turned, and the next she was trapped in some hospital bed whilst the world went on without her.

The Alliance had asked her to act as an Ambassador for them, touring the galaxy to assess the rebuilding effort and, she suspected, to boost morale. But in the silence that followed the battle, in the final tally of everything that had been lost, her face was an unwelcome reminder of everything that had been lost.

The wounds were too raw, too fresh, yet Shepard simply didn’t know what else to do. She had been made for destruction, not the ponderous task of starting again.

“Siha? What’s wrong? Are you well?”

Shepard turned and forced herself to look at Thane. He was the one thing that kept her anchored. “I can’t go in there, I can’t do this anymore. They don’t want to see me, they just want to get on with their lives. This is all my—“

“Thane?”

The door had opened. Stood in the doorway was a female drell. She watched them with bright yellow eyes.

“Thane, you should have come back sooner. We missed you,” she said softly, walking down the path towards them.

Shepard couldn’t help staring. This stranger knew Thane, and her eyes were just as she had imagined Irikahs to be. Thane had told her of Irikah many times, and she had never grown tired of listening to the memories that still burned brightly for him, bringing her to life with his words.

“Ennai,” Thane said, dipping his head. “Shepard, this is Ennai. Irikah’s sister.” His expression was blank and Shepard realised he had withdrawn behind his mask of cold calm, leaving her alone.

“And you must be Commander Shepard,” Ennai said cheerfully, her round face breaking into a welcoming smile. “Thank you for coming to see us, you must be very busy.”

Shepard felt herself staring and looked away, taking a deep breath. “It’s my pleasure. I’m honoured to meet you, I’ve heard so much about Irikah.”

Ennai’s eyes slid to Thane, her gaze losing focus, and Shepard realised she was slipping into a memory. After a second she resurfaced and reached her hand out to grasp Shepard’s.

“Let’s go inside and meet the children. We can talk more over some tea.”

Shepard swallowed and allowed herself to be led inside, glancing at Ennai as she slipped her arm through hers. She was shorter than Thane and a vivid shade of blue that darkened to black stripes. It made her golden eyes all the more striking.

As they entered the first thing that struck Shepard was the noise. She had expected the high-pitched babble of children’s voices and the usual racket that accompanied lots of small people running around – slamming doors, things falling over.

Instead it was tranquil, the musical sound of drell voices rising and falling like a chorus of birds.

Ennai led them through the house, pointing out various rooms and smiling at the children as they passed. Most of them regarded Shepard with open curiosity, though a few shied away, hiding as she passed.

There were so many of them, yet all Shepard could see was what was missing. Their parents were gone and she lived on, wondering how many she could have saved if only she’d done things differently. No matter where she went or how far she flew, it seemed as though her war would never really be over.

“What will happen to them?” Shepard asked thickly, pausing to try and regain some control.

“They will remain here until they are adopted, or they grow old enough to leave. Some of them may enter the Compact, if that is their choice,” Ennai said, looking over at a small group of children sat drawing. “If I could I would have adopted them all. I already have five of my own.”

One of the children jumped up and ran over to Ennai clutching a picture she’d just drawn, her face set in a determined frown.

“Look,” she said, slapping it on Ennai’s legs.

“Ah, Dospiya. This is Commander Shepard. Say hello!” Ennai said, touching her hand to the child’s head. Dospiya scrunched her face into Ennai’s leg and refused to look at her, keeping the picture tucked out of view.

Ennai sighed, reaching down to remove the picture from her hand.

“She’s had a tough time, poor little one. Her mother died from Kepral’s just before the war broke out, and her father was killed on Invictus,” Ennai explained, looking at the picture.

Invictus. It had been a selfish battle, yet she had been praised for it despite the heavy losses. All Shepard had thought about was saving the clinic so that the research could continue, research that had saved Thane’s life and secured the future of an entire species.

Her mouth was dry as she formed the words.

“What was his name?”

“Adin Thusius.”

Shepard felt herself falter, the light overly bright as that name sank in and his last words rasped in her ears. “Please, tell Dospi….tell her….”

Back on Invictus he had said a prayer for her before she rushed in to tackle the Reaper. He had taken her hand and reassured her she was doing the right thing when everything was going to hell around them, and now she knew why.

She crouched down beside the little girl and tapped her gently on the shoulder. “Dospi?”

The child peered around at her, examining her for a brief moment before running away.

“She won’t be able to understand you,” Ennai said. “She doesn’t have a translator yet. Did you know her father?”

“I met him.”

Shepard had held him in her arms and watched him die, but she hadn’t known him. Thusius had died with his little girl’s name on his lips and now there she was, looking at the little girl who’s future had been secured by the actions of her father. There was no threat of Kepral’s hanging over her, but her hard won future would be faced alone.

 “I see,” Ennai said. “Maybe you’d like to get that tea now.”

Shepard turned to go, felt a tugging at her leg and looked down. Dospiya stood there with another drawing in her hand. She looked up at Shepard and said something undecipherable, holding the picture aloft.

Shepard took the picture and looked at it. Dospiya had obviously attempted to draw Shepard, distinguishable by the ridiculous scribble of hair haloing her head. It looked as though she was supposed to be swimming, though it was hard to tell.

Dospiya repeated the word and Ennai laughed, covering her mouth with one hand.

“What is it?” Shepard asked, glancing at them both. Even Thane had a smile on his face.

“Dospiya thinks your name is Seepa. It’s a starfish native to Kahje. We’re learning about sea creatures at the moment,” Ennai explained, looking down at Dospiya’s serious face.

Shepard smiled and said ‘Thank you’ as Thane had taught her, and the little girl looked satisfied, slipping her hand in Shepard’s and tugging at her.

“Go,” Ennai told her. “I’ll make some tea.”

\---

Thane watched Shepard for a moment, hands linked with the little girl. He hadn’t seen Ennai since the funeral. So many days, without words enough to fill in everything that had happened.

That she was there, and not a Master of the Tea Guild surprised him. When he’d left, grief stricken and sinking, he’d spared little thought for those who stayed.

Irikah had been particularly close to Ennai. What would she have thought about Ennai now, her youth smoothed into a peaceful contentment. Five children at heel, and working at an orphanage.

A ghost of the old Ennai remained. Thane followed her into the kitchen and watched her as she prepared tea with the same perfect movements.

The tea set was nothing like those he had seen her use. Ennai treated it with the same respect, lifting it above the ordinary. She hummed, filled the warped wooden tray, and carried it over to the large table in the centre of the room.

“Do you think she’ll cope?” Ennai asked, nodding in Shepard’s direction.

Thane accepted his cup with an incline of his head. “I would expect so. At least, for now. She has little experience with children.”

“Kolyat has told me all about her. And you. Thane, we thought you were lost. Why didn’t you contact us?”

“Considering the manner in which you found out about my profession, I believed you would understand. I deemed it safer to cut myself off from Kolyat.”

Ennai glared at him, yellow eyes burning, and slammed her cup down on the table. “The time for lies is long past. You were afraid – afraid that we would blame you for what happened to her. It was easier to run away.”

“Did you?” Thane asked, finally meeting her gaze. Memories shifted. Golden eyes and arguments. Time slipped, only to leave him stranded in a world without Irikah.

“Yes. Yes we did. For a short time we all did. Nothing is ever that simple though.” Ennai sighed and pushed her cup aside. “Irikah knew what you did when she fell in love with you. She accepted you for who you were, and I know you loved her. She wouldn’t have wanted us to blame you.”

“Irikah did not approve. She would have nothing to do with me until I left the hanar and the Compact,” Thane explained. “She believed I was better than that. Look at where her faith led her.”

Ennai reached over and took Thane’s hand, twining her fingers through his. “She loved you. What happened was not your fault.”

“I left her unprotected.”

“You weren’t the one that killed her. It isn’t your fault there is evil in this world, how could you have predicted that they would come and…”

Thane tugged his fingers from Ennai’s and wiped the tears from his face. He could not touch her. She had no idea.

A shriek rang out through the air. Thane was on his feet first, fleeing on nimble feet back to where they had left Shepard.

She was lying on the floor with two children sat on her middle. Dospiya was floating above her in a ball of purple energy, turning slowly in mid-air and shrieking with joy.

Shepard did not look tired, or wary. The strain had gone from her face, to be replaced by a smile he hadn’t seen in months.

“Ennai!” Dospi cried, and the smile was replaced with guilt.

Shepard lowered Dospi to the ground, and started to get to her feet. “We were…they wanted to see my biotics,” she explained, eyes fixed on the children as they retreated across the room.

“I see. Maybe next time you could try colouring instead,” Ennai smiled.

“You haven’t seen me colour,” Shepard murmured, grinning down at Dospiya.

Thane heard his comm. They were late. “Shepard, the time.”

She checked her omni-tool and bit back a curse, looking out of the window at the lengthening shadows. “We’re going to be late again. Sorry, Ennai, we have to leave. The Ambassador has invited us to eat with him.”

“Of course,” Ennai replied, going over and catching Dospiya’s hand. “Shall we see them out, little ones?”

Shepard gave a strained smile, and Thane caught her hand in his, seeing the sudden tension in every line of her body.

They walked to the door surrounded by children, and stepped outside into the whispering air.

“Thank you for coming to visit us, it was an honour. And, if you’re not too busy, please accept my invitation to visit with us before you leave,” Ennai said, scooping one of the children up into her arms. “I know everyone would like to see you Thane. And Shepard, I know my Father would like to meet you.”

Thane saw Shepard’s expression alter, and he squeezed her hand.

“It would be our pleasure,” Shepard said.

Ennai bowed, and Thane returned the gesture. When he lifted his head he found Shepard reaching out to take Dospi’s hand.

“Bye Dospi.”

“Bye Seepa.”

Ennai laughed, and started to bustle the children out of the doorway.

The door shut and Shepard started walking away, her head down as she trudged along the path.

The rest of the day passed pleasantly enough, dining with the Hanar, then returning home. Shepard seemed quieter than usual.

Night fell. Thane set about his nightly meditations whilst Shepard took her book to bed. He found her sleeping, curled into a tight ball beneath the blankets.

There on the table beside her was the picture Dospi had drawn of the starfish waving its tendrils though the scribble of the sea, black hair trailing behind it.

“Siha,” Thane murmured, shaking her gently. “Siha, wake up. I think there’s something we need to discuss.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This idea has been bothering me for a while. I don't believe in happy endings. I like them and I do, on occasion, love writing them. But what happens afterwards? This is me trying to figure that out.
> 
> Invictus - the abandoned mission from ME3. I have headcanon for it that Shepard goes into battle there, the scene is pretty much written in my head. She manages to destroy the Reaper there because Thusius leads an attack on it to keep its attention whilst Shep plants a marker for the air strike that destroys it.


	28. simple

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the second part of my smut week prompt 'Snow'. I have a third part in the planning stages.

The music throbbed through Shepard’s spine, obliterating all coherent thought as she looked out over the seething mass of bodies.

She sighed and turned back to the bar, resuming her joyless contemplation of her half empty glass. This was not her idea of fun, but the crew seemed to need it even if she had no interest in getting drunk and falling over.

They were all there. Except Thane.

Damn it, now she’d done it. Shepard lifted the glass and tipped the alcohol down her throat, wincing at the low burn that curled down her throat and into her stomach.

She’d been carefully avoiding thinking about him since the incident in the cave, to the point of almost completely avoiding him. Nobody else seemed to have noticed but Thane had, his demeanour switching to one of cold civility whenever they accidentally crossed paths.

At least there was no danger of that here. Shepard considered asking for another drink, leaning forward and catching sight of something in the mirror at the bar. Just next to her a skinny looking human was trying to pickpocket a turian who remained utterly oblivious, deep in conversation with somebody next to him.

Shepard reached over to grab the pick pocket, and the situation changed in an instant.

The human pulled a knife; the turian noticed what was going on and from nearby a large human male sprang forwards to protect the pickpocket.

She worked on instinct, knocking the knife away and moving to take the second human down just as the turian blundered into her, knocking her off balance. Before she could right herself the man was on her, sending her sprawling against the bar and crushing the breath from her lungs.

There was the distinct snick of a knife, a flash of metal, and when she raised her head she saw the man’s hand lunging for her throat, the pale underside of his arm interrupted by slender green fingers.

There was the brittle sound of snapping bone, and Shepard felt the weight lift from her as the man staggered backwards clutching his broken wrist.

Thane stepped back as the man wheeled towards him, watching as a couple of guards finally arrived to drag the pick pocket and his accomplice away, their screams lost over the sound of the music.

Beneath the flickering red lights he looked utterly alien, black eyes glinting with pinpricks of light. He turned his gaze to Shepard, and she saw the barely contained rage running through him, aimed squarely at her.

Shepard swallowed, her throat still burning from the drink that seared through her veins. She had to say something to him, this stranger glowing dimly beneath the hellish lights.

“Thank you,” she shouted, forcing herself closer to Thane. He said something in response, but it was lost in pounding bass, and she realised with a clutch of fear that she was going to have to get closer to him.

Her feet closed the last metre and she tilted her lips towards him, taking care not to touch his ruby red skin. “I said thank you.”

Thane leant closer, his breath warm on her ear. “You are welcome, Shepard.”

Then he turned, moving to walk away.

She caught his arm without thinking, saw the look of irritation cross his face and dropped her hand with a scowl. “Fine, be like that,” she yelled, turning back towards the bar.

She blinked, found Thane standing directly in her way. “I wasn’t aware I was the one with the issue,” he said, his body curving close.

“I don’t have an issue,” Shepard argued. She was painfully aware of his scent and the warmth of him, inches away from her lips and her fingers.

“Of course. That is why you’ve been avoiding me since our liaison,” Thane growled. “I had thought you would be more professional.”

“Professional? Thane, we fucked in a cave!”

“And? Are you avoiding me because you regret the intimacy? Because you are embarrassed? Grow up, Shepard.”

Shepard grabbed his collar, her lips close enough to brush his skin. “Yes I regret it. I wish it had never happened.”

Thane drew back slightly, his hands prising hers from his collar. “I see. I appreciate your honesty at least. Perhaps it would be better if I left before this affects the mission.”

He let go of her hands, all emotion leaving his face as he looked at her, and Shepard gave in.

“Thane, stop. Let me explain,” she said miserably, taking hold of one of his hands and trying to lead him out of the back entrance to the club.

He refused, unmoving. Shepard let go, her shoulders slumping, and she left the club without looking back, descending into the shadows at the foot of the stair way.

The air was stale, reeking of alcohol and the constant press of bodies. Shepard pressed herself gratefully into the darkness, closing her eyes as she felt the frustration bubble up in her. She should never have taken him on that mission, and she should never have given in to the velvet voiced invitation.

There was a muffled scrape on the stair, and she burst out of the shadows to find Thane standing there watching her, his brow furrowed in a frown.

“What?” she asked him, putting her hands on her hips. “Look, it’s not that simple. Nothing is. My life is…complicated. The Collectors, Cerberus, the Reapers. I can’t afford distractions and you…since we…”

Thane blinked rapidly at her, stepping closer. “So, I’m a distraction?”

“Yes,” Shepard admitted, her heart rate kicking up again as she looked at him. “I can’t stop thinking about you and what we did. If we hadn’t…”

“But we did,” Thane said softly, tilting her head upwards with his fingers. “Lust doesn’t have to be complicated.”

She looked at his lips, felt his touch on her face and kissed him before she could try to talk herself out of it.

He responded instantly, wrapping his arms around her, and Shepard felt herself being dragged across the floor, her back meeting the cold wall. He tasted of everything she’d missed and she couldn’t help moaning, her fingers fumbling at the fastenings of his suit.

“Perhaps we should find somewhere more suitable,” Thane murmured, sliding his hands along her thighs and up to her hips.

Shepard looked at him, at the red curve of his neck and the depths of his eyes drinking her in.

“No,” Shepard whispered, touching his neck. “Now. Here.”

Thane rubbed his thumb across her mouth and Shepard slid her hands down the front of his trousers, finding the warm strain of his cock against the fabric.

She heard the catch of his breath, knew she had him.

Thane lifted her onto the small ledge running along the edge of the wall, pulling her trousers down and parting her legs.

She closed her eyes, feeling the world ebb away as he slid his fingers into her willing flesh, and her lust for him stripped all other considerations away. She wanted him inside her again, had thought of little else as she lay tangled, sweaty, and alone in her bedsheets.

Thane withdrew his hands, undid his outfit just far enough to free himself, then wiped her moisture along his cock with a motion that Shepard watched mutely, widening her legs.

He cupped her buttocks, pulled her closer and slipped himself inside with small, nudging movements that matched the thunderous clamour of the bass vibrating through the air.

Shepard moaned and he muffled her with a kiss, driving himself in to the hilt.

The music picked up pace and Shepard felt him move with it, giving herself over to the slide of him inside her, the alcohol and the addictive taste of his kiss removing any lingering doubts she had about her actions.

She was going to hurt without the meds Chakwas had given her but she didn’t care. Every second of his touch was worth it.

Thane pulled her against him, and Shepard wrapped her legs around his waist, feeling the stutter of her muscles inside and the heat of him filling her, every thrust sending her higher.

She closed her eyes, felt the rasp of him, remembered his skin green against the snow, and with an arching gasp she came, unable to stop herself from crying his name into the vibrating air. Thane murmured what sounded like a name and bit into her neck as he convulsed against her, his biotics firing bright in the gloom.

Curled against him, head dropped to his chest, Shepard looked at the vivid green of his skin where it joined so neatly with hers and found herself surprised at how well they fitted together. He moved her as nothing else did, the missing piece she hadn’t realised she’d lost until he touched her.

It was futile to pretend otherwise.

A laugh echoed down the stairs, jolting them back to unwelcome reality.

Shepard whimpered as Thane drew himself out of her, picked her trousers up off the floor and handed them to her.

“Thank you,” she managed to murmur, hopping down off the ledge and pulling her trousers back on. “Thane?”

He looked at her, uncertainty plain on his face.

Shepard reached out her hand to him, taking his hands and pulling him closer. “I’m sorry for the way I treated you. I’m not very good at this. If you want to leave it I understand.”

“Leave what?” Thane asked, blinking rapidly at her.

“I don’t know,” Shepard said, glancing away from him. “I thought maybe we could do this again. Somewhere more private. If you don’t want to…”

“I’d like that,” Thane interrupted, not meeting her gaze. “If you wish to, of course,” he added hurriedly, letting go of her hands as a drunken krogan stumbled down the stairs towards them.

They waited until he’d passed before starting up the stairs, the music threatening to engulf them again. Once they reached the top they stared through the doorway at the heaving dance floor, the bar propped up by drunks and the music punctuated only by the occasional scream.

“Yes,” Shepard said, slipping her hand into Thanes. “I would. Maybe we could…”

Thane pulled her closer, his breath warm on her neck. He followed her without a word, never letting go of her hand.


	29. mad

She was shopping for mods when the call came in, staring down the sights of a perfectly balanced sniper rifle.

“Shepard?”

“Yes EDI?” 

Shepard handed the rifle back to the assistant and moved slowly along the counter, dancing her fingertips over the reinforced glass. 

“Kolyat Krios wishes to speak with you, he says it is urgent.”

Kolyat? Shepard straightened, staring out into the busy arcade. She knew that Thane had been going to meet with him for the last time before their final mission and, going by the time, he should be there right now. 

“Patch him through,” she ordered, stepping towards the back of the shop. “Kolyat, what’s…?”

“They’ve taken him,” Kolyat burst out, his voice crackling. “They were waiting for us; he tried to stop them, Shepard…”

“Calm down,” Shepard told him, taking a deep breath and closing her eyes. Calm down. “Who took him?”

“Batarians, they were waiting at my apartment. He killed a couple of them, but they…they threatened me. And they took him. Shit, Shepard there was nothing I could do!”

Everything shifted around Shepard as it did when she stepped onto the battlefield, choices, consequences, and actions muddling clear. 

“Kolyat, get to the Normandy. Wait for us there. EDI, track Thane, let me know where he is. Shut everything down, I don’t want a single thing leaving the station and Joker, anybody tries to make a run for it you stop them, got it?”

“Understood, Shepard. Thane is currently situated in the Lower Market; I have sent the location to you. I will attempt to shut the exterior docking bays down.”

“Good. EDI, tell Garrus to get my stuff and meet me at the upper market docking bay.”

Shepard was running before she’d even finished speaking, pushing her body into a flat out run towards the transport area. There was nothing but the destination, her brain shutting out the extraneous panic that was creeping up her spine at the mere thought of anything happening to Thane. 

A transport had just arrived and Shepard threw herself into it, shoving the waiting Volus aside. He shouted something but it was cut off by the door shutting, the engines whining as Shepard shouted their destination at the controller VI. She glanced briefly at the screen as it lifted off, then contacted EDI again.

“Think you can shut down the transports as well?”

“Of course, Shepard. Though I believe my actions may draw undue attention.”

“We’ll deal with that later. Shut them down, I just want Garrus and me in the air.”

“Understood.”

The transport started to dive and Shepard allowed herself a moment of fear as she stared down over the markets. She’d grown closer to Thane than she dared admit, finding him in her thoughts more and more as time trickled slowly away from them. 

He was the only person she could really talk to, somebody who seemed to share the loneliness she felt standing at the precipice of death and staring into the black void. The only difference had been that she had already fallen, and he was slipping away.

Their conversations, murmuring late into the night when everyone else was asleep, had been the thread that drew her back from the shadows. She couldn’t lose him now, not when there was still so much left unsaid.

There was a slight bump and the transport landed, its door opening a moment before it dropped unceremoniously to the ground. 

“Nice work, EDI” Shepard muttered, staring around at the neighbouring transports. The flash of blue was all she needed.

“What the hell is going on, Shepard? Why would anyone kidnap Krios? Are they mad?” Garrus asked her, handing her the bag he’d brought. 

Shepard ducked around the back of the transport and jammed her armour on, emerging ready for battle. “Krios has a history with a Batarian slaver ring, they killed his wife. He went after them. Looks like he left someone alive with a grudge.”

“Krios made a mistake, huh?”

She sheathed her pistol and took the knife from its scabbard, checking the blade. “And we’re going to correct that mistake.”

“Alright, how are we doing this?” Garrus asked, keeping his voice low to avoid the attention of the rapidly growing crowd. 

“We take the back stairs in then use the service tunnels here,” Shepard said, bringing up her omni-tool to check the route. “They should bring us up right outside. Then all we need to do is get in there and see what we find. I doubt they’ll be able to hold him for long.”

“Crazy bastards,” Garrus muttered, following Shepard away from the docking station and down the back stairs.

\---

From the scan it looked as though Thane was upstairs towards the back of the structure. What it didn’t tell her was if he was dead or alive.

Shepard stared at the pulsing orange dot, thinking back to the last time she’d sat opposite him in that dry room, and the hint of warmth she’d felt as their hands rested on the desk with only inches between them.

She should have closed the gap. 

“We’re going to have to get up there,” Shepard said, shutting her omni-tool off and staring up at the blank face of the building. She couldn’t risk going in at ground level and alerting them to her presence until it was absolutely necessary.

“How about we wake up the neighbours?” Garrus asked, nodding towards the building to their right. It was the side closest to Thane, offering the shortest route.

Shepard clapped him on the shoulder and went over to the door, glancing down the walkway before they kicked it in unison. She’d expected panicked shouting, perhaps an attack. 

Instead there was nothing but dusty silence and the complete dark of an abandoned dwelling. 

She wasted no time running up the stairs, using her omni-tool to light their way in to the back room. Once there she touched the wall with her gloved hand, then in some futile gesture she pressed her ear against the cold metal, hoping to catch some scrap of information. There was nothing but the rush of blood in her ears and the racing drum beat of her heart.

Thane was in there in that unknown silence. She had to reach him.

Garrus handed her a sticky grenade and she glanced at him before pulling the pin out, slapping it onto the wall then retreating at speed from the room.

There was a hush, a heavy silence that Shepard felt in every fibre of her being, and then the moment was torn apart with an explosion that shook her bones. 

The flames were still twisting through the air when Shepard sprang through the door and threw herself at the burning gap where the wall used to be, feeling the heat kiss her skin as she jumped.

Her pistol twitched beneath her fingers, shots firing even as she focussed beyond the Batarians in front of her and found the waiting doorway, movement flickering just beyond it.

A scream sounded in the next room, Thane’s room, and Shepard pounded forwards, knocking a Batarian aside with the bright lash of her biotics.

Something hit the floor, gunfire stuttering, and Shepard raised her pistol as she stepped through the doorway and round the corner towards Thane. 

With every step she felt lighter, closing the distance between them her only concern, and in the uproar she heard nothing except the aching leap of her heart demanding that she find him.

The lights flickered then died, and Shepard clenched her fist in front of her, the purple light of her biotics streaming through the darkness and reflecting back at her in Thane’s dark eyes. 

He moved in the shadows, lashing out with his one unbound arm to bring down the last remaining guard, and Shepard was at his side.

“Thane, are you…”

“Behind you, Siha,” he growled, his biotics sputtering blue light across the room as he threw the approaching batarian down the stairs. 

Shepard wheeled, glimpsing more figures moving towards them in the dying light. 

They moved through the darkness with ease and she saw that they had heat vision visors on, leaving her at a disadvantage in the inky confines of the room. 

Garrus’ gun fired somewhere close by, gunfire answering from somewhere near, and Shepard took her chance. She reached out, found Thane and started feeling for the tie that still bound him, keeping her eyes closed.

“I need a knife,” Thane murmured, his voice ragged. 

“Give me your hand,” Shepard whispered and he touched his hand to hers in the darkness. She took the dagger from its sheath and pressed it into his hand before wheeling away from him into the unknown.

One hand outstretched she found the wall, swiping her hand along it until she found the doorway. “Thane?”

“I’m behind you, Siha.”

She blazed brightly and threw a shockwave down the stairs, three Batarians falling aside in the splashes of light that revealed a fallen batarian at her feet. He still had his visor on.

Crouching down Shepard started feeling across the floor until she found Batarians head, wrenching the mask from him just as a bullet hit her barrier and sent her sprawling backwards.

There was a growl that set her skin tingling, a rush of air past her and then an empty silence. 

Shepard sat up, pressed the mask to her face and found herself looking at a brightly lit vista of green, the dark transformed into a shimmering scene of destruction.

Bodies lay in the doorway and all down the stairs, their blood glowing. She saw Thane climbing the stairs, stepping carefully over the bodies that were starting to lose their light as the warmth left them. 

He looked up, listened carefully, then walked straight towards her. He blazed, brilliant and bright in the cold that surrounded them, and when he finally found her she couldn’t help pressing herself against him, dropping the visor to hold him close.

“Shepard? You tried one of these things yet?” Garrus asked, his voice echoing. “We have got to get some for the Normandy.”

“I’m not sure how much use they’ll be on the Collector Home world. We could just take these, they won’t miss them,” Shepard said, breaking the embrace and putting the visor back onto her face for the journey out. “EDI, you can break the lock down now. And please could you let Kolyat know we’ve got his Father.”

“Kolyat?” Thane questioned, stepping carefully through the gap. “He contacted you?”

“Yes, he’s on the Normandy. What happened? He said they were waiting for you.”

“They used Kolyat as bait. They fed him the information that brought him to the Citadel, believing it would draw me out. They were correct,” Thane said, regret in his voice. “It seems they aren’t done with the Krios family yet.”

Shepard turned to look at him as they left the building, catching sight of the ugly wound on the side of his head and flinching. “Damn it Thane, look what they did. Are you…” She couldn’t help running her hands over him, finding the torn flesh at his wrists and what looked like a broken finger. He had to be hurting.

Rage ran through her as she looked at him, and something else, something pure and unadulterated. And that was when she realised she loved him.


	30. winter

They sat on the porch, watching the stars circle meaninglessly above their heads, and thinking back to when they had flown through them.

Garrus picked another can up, tapped Shepard on the leg then threw it into the air with a grunt, purple light propelling it across the night sky like a comet.

The gun rang out in the silence, and Shepard floated the can neatly back onto her lap to survey the damage.

“Nice shot, shame you didn’t hit the damn thing.”

“What? Give me that?” Garrus grouched, leaning over and snatching the can from her lap. There was no mark to be seen on it, and Garrus couldn’t help clicking his mandibles in frustration. He seemed to be missing more often than not.

“Must be the scope malfunctioning again,” he said, and Shepard grinned at him.

He had faded over the years, making his markings all the more vibrant on his pale face. The blue of his eyes remained undimmed but his body had become more gnarled than ever, a constant reminder of how things had changed.

“Of course it is,” she soothed, leaning back in the chair to stare up at the sky. If it wasn’t for the modified visor Garrus had made for her she’d have been staring at nothing more than a milky blur. The world was getting smaller in her old age.

Once it had been galaxies and empires. Now it was the front porch and Garrus.

“Hey, see the star on your left. The red one. We went there.”

Garrus looked at the constellations over them. “What, that red one? You sure you’re not getting it mixed up with that red one over there? We went there. Took the kids if I remember rightly.” And Thane.

Neither of them needed to say it, but Shepard felt the absence all the same.

“I still dream about him you know,” Shepard whispered, closing her eyes. “It’s dark like this and the stars are all around me, floating in the air. There’s black sand under my feet. I know he’s there, but I can’t see him, and in front of me I see footprints. Glowing blue. But whenever I try to follow them I wake up.”

Garrus tilted his head back as she opened her eyes and focused on him. “You say his name in your sleep.”

“You say Nym’s,” Shepard replied, swinging her legs to ease the ache. They slept side by side, refusing to be parted now that almost everything else had been taken from them. Nobody else would understand the nightmares with such easy acceptance, and after the years they’d spent apart if felt like coming home.

All they needed was to hold each other in the silence, weighted down by the memories.

“Maybe we should get Kolyat out here again,” Garrus said, checking his scope before leaning his gun up against the chair. “Never seen a throwing arm like it.”

“I asked him,” Shepard admitted. “He’s too busy training new recruits. There’s also the small matter of his children.”

“He should bring them too. Especially Garrus Junior. That child has a bright future ahead of him.”

Shepard laughed, a dry croak of amusement. “A bright future involving guns? I don’t think Kolyat appreciated you teaching his six year old how to shoot. Maybe you should stick to telling those thrilling stories of yours.”

“Now now, Shepard. I know you’re just jealous that I get to be the cool Uncle and you get to be Granny.”

Shepard burst out laughing then picked up another can and gave it to Garrus. “I’ll show you Granny.”

Garrus threw it, and Shepard used her biotics to give it a boost before raising her gun and squinting through the sights. The recoil shook down her arm, grating her complaining bones.

“Shit.”

The can had dropped out of sight before she could catch it.

“You know the rules. You drop it, you fetch it. Want another drink?”

“Just some tea,” Shepard said, groaning as she got slowly to her feet. She shuffled off the porch and down through the grass, feeling the cold linger on her skin.

Winter was drawing in and soon they would have to forego their shooting sessions in favour of games by the fireside. It wasn’t a bad image, but Shepard knew she would miss their nights sat under the stars together. She dreamed of Thane more often now, felt the tang of grief whenever she awoke unfulfilled.

Her only regret was leaving Garrus behind, but he deserved some peace away from her.

There was a small clink, and Shepard poked her toe in the grass to dislodge the can. She didn’t bother reaching down for it, choosing to lift it up into her hand.

As she shuffled slowly back towards the bright porch she examined the can with her fingertips, finding not a mark on it. It seemed Garrus wasn’t the only one missing nowadays.

“Well?” Garrus asked, stepping out onto the porch with a tray in his claws. Shepard saw the steam rising from her tea and grabbed it greedily, dropping the can on the tray for Garrus to examine.

“Huh. Maybe your visor needs recalibrating.”

“We’re just old Garrus. Deal with it.”

The warmth of the tea seeped into Shepard’s hands. She curled around it in the chair, drawing her coat closer.

“You’re not giving up on me are you, Shepard?” Garrus asked, his subharmonics rattling with concern. “You know there’s nobody else who’ll help me shoot stuff in the middle of the night.”

They were all gone except EDI, Liara and Samara. None of them chose to visit, choosing to keep in contact through messages that didn’t require the stark reminder of their faltering state.

Soon there would be a galaxy without Shepard in it, and she thought it would be better that way, no more living reminders of the war and all the devastation it had brought.

Dospi would be fine without her, Kolyat had his position of responsibility at the rebuilt Citadel, and Garrus would have his children to look after him. She knew he’d bitch and whine whilst secretly loving every second of it.

“There’s no Shepard without Vakarian,” she said quietly, getting to her feet. “Come on, it’s way past our bedtime.”

She caught Garrus’ talons, and they walked slowly in together with their guns slung under their arms, stopping by the weapons locker on the way to bed. Garrus shelved his then took Shepard’s rifle, checking the battered mechanism over one last time.

“This gun should be in a museum.”

“No. No way. I’ve given Kolyat strict instructions and he won’t forget them. There’s a replica ready for the museum, they don’t get my gun. If I go first I want you to have it,” Shepard told him, going into the bathroom and shutting the door behind her.

When she came out Garrus was already lay down in bed, his lanky frame a familiar curve in the middle of the bed. His eyes were closed, and she assumed he was asleep until his voice rasped in her ear, his arms gathering her close.

“If you go first you’d better damn well promise to meet me at that bar like we discussed.”

Shepard smiled in the dark. “There’s someone I need to see first, but I’ll come back I promise. Wouldn’t want you to get away that easily.”

Garrus gave a small laugh, drifting away into sleep.

That night she saw the footprints again. And this time she followed them.


End file.
